My Lone, but Not-So-Dreary World

Responding to Questions

2011-11-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

(NOTE: This is the latest post from my main blog, "Storms are Brewin in My Eyes". Like many others in Outer Blogness, I have been gradually moving away from a focus on Mormon-specific themes. For those interested in more posts like this, I invite you to check in at my other blog from time to time since that's where I'm doing most of my posting these days.)

One of my favorite opportunities when I was LDS was that of teaching a Sunday School class especially for teachers - "Teaching: No Greater Call". The course, aimed to help instructors better understand and fulfill their opportunities to "teach", also helped awaken in me a passion for understanding teaching/learning that continues to this day (as a student of the psychology of learning).

I was especially intrigued by one of the lessons I taught in that course - the idea that a teacher should respond to questions asked by asking more questions. A good teacher, I learned, does not provide the answers - but rather supports students in discovering the answers for themselves.

I have found that approach helpful not only in classroom settings, but in my personal life. My first therapist, for example, consistently used this approach. She responded to my questions with answers about 1% of the time; the other 99% of the time she encouraged me to dig deeper and do the work to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. The result was a sense of empowerment. I thrilled at the opportunity to know myself and appreciated the responsibility that came with assuming ownership over my personal morality.

Recently I heard a story about which I've continued to reflect:

A child raised by a Catholic mother and a Protestant father was schooled in the Catholic tradition. One day in 2nd grade, her teacher (a nun) explained to the class that Protestants would not be going to Heaven. The child was understandably distraught, and ran home as quickly as possible at the end of the day. When she told her mother what had happened, she asked her mom if the nun was correct.

"What do you think?" the mother asked.

"I think she was wrong," the child said.

"Why do you think the nun would have said that?" the mother asked.

After thinking a bit, the child responded, "Because she doesn't know Father."

The mother hugged her child and said, "You're a very smart little girl. I'm proud of you."

How might her mother have responded? She could have said something like, "That's just the way things are," or "I don't understand everything, but I trust God will sort things out." But no - instead she took the opportunity first to encourage her child to look inward, and second to support her child in trusting her own intuition. What I find most interesting about the story is that the child grew up and chose to become a Catholic nun (Sister Joan Chittister). It seems to me that this kind of "trust your gut" response helped the girl to gain the confidence necessary to walk her own path within a wider realm of religious practice. From what I understand, Sister Chittister has been a great feminist leader who has done much good in and out of Catholicism, not afraid to trust her gut and push the boundaries.

While our society tends to function with a top-down approach, I think a top-down approach in teaching can really miss the mark and deprive individuals of rich opportunities for growth and development. I think it is so important to teach children how to search and wrestle for answers rather than simply accept what is handed down from the top. Which is exactly the message of one of my favorite quotes:

"A fundamental change is required from teaching strategies in which authorities bring information and knowledge to students to strategies in which individuals are responsible for obtaining and shaping knowledge for themselves." -A Roadmap for Educational Technology, 2010

It is my hope and belief that as we engage children in searching for rather than knowing answers, they will be more likely to enjoy and take responsibility for their learning.

On the Consumption of Women

2011-10-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

I was reading Sunday in Outer Blogness and learned of the recent debate about "The Apple Tree" analogy. I was appalled, and also relieved that none of my Mormon FB friends had passed this along (to my knowledge).

I couldn't help but think of a poem I wrote when I first stopped going to church in early 2009. Originally posted here. At the time, I felt trapped by Mormon gender roles. This poem captures my earliest attempts to question the women-as-commodity mindset.

The Orchard

In the rancid sweet I smell it -
WASTE. And for what!

The evidence is there for all to see:
Shady grasses littered with pits half-naked,
half-clothed in fruit flesh
oozing and bleeding, smashed
like a hundred broken hearts.

I pay homage in my mind to the fruit.
Once it clung determinedly among the branches,
withstood each enticing, tugging tendril of wind,
persisted amidst the nibblings of lustful enemies.

Each fruit was once the jealous guardian of her own future,
willing with all might against premature plucking.

Time passed and the fruit became ripe,
some overly so.
Skins once bright and taut began to wrinkle and spot.
Stems pulled against branches with unnatural heaviness...

The fruit fell.

Some blame the harvesters that never came,
or came too late,
but as I mourn so much goodness wasted!
I begin to hate
the orchard.

Book of Mormon: The Musical

2011-07-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

While in New York, Dave and I saw the Book of Mormon musical. We both had a good time and I'm really glad we went. We really liked several of the songs and have had them stuck in our heads ever since. Some of them seem almost Road Show-esque, reminiscent of the self-deprecating humor of Mormonism (eg., "I Believe"). Others are vulgar and outrageous, not necessarily to my taste, but fitting the ironic style of the producers (humor in irreverence).

I would not recommend the show to my Mormon friends and family, and these are the reasons why [spoiler alert]:

1) Obscenity - there's lots of it.
2) Blasphemy - the whole plot is centered around making light of what some consider sacred.
3) Inaccuracy - I couldn't help but notice every inaccurate detail, and I think this might bug a lot of LDS church members (for example, the missionaries in the play were not assigned destinations until after 3 months in the MTC)
4) Non-representative main character - one of the protagonists is also a compulsive liar, and I think some would question the relevance of couching his story in a Mormon context (since I think I can safely say that most missionaries are not compulsive liars).
5) Criticism of Mormon Culture - in my experience, Mormons are quick to make fun of themselves, but irked when the jokes come from outsiders.
6) Criticism of Mormon Theology - I believe this would be disheartening to Mormons, and considered as casting pearls before swine.

Any one of the above reasons would have been enough to put me off only three years ago. Yet, as an ex-Mormon, I found the production to be meaningful and thought-provoking. And these are my reasons why:

1) The protagonist was relevant as a type of Joseph Smith.

2) I believe in the validity and value of multiple perspectives.
We can talk until we're blue in the face about how we want people to see us. But at the end of the day, how others perceive us is out of our hands.

The Book of Mormon musical does not portray Mormons how they see themselves and it definitely does not portray them how they want to be seen. Instead, it is a portrayal by outsiders of how they see Mormons. Regardless of its favorableness, it is a valid perspective (if it weren't, the LDS church wouldn't concern itself with public relations).

And that's also why semantics and accurate details (see #3 above) are not critical to the success of the production - it's an extended Mormon joke, not a documentary.

2) Through humor and caricature, the musical identifies several real issues that exist in Mormonism. These include:
*ethnocentric dogma
*familial/social pressure to conform/achieve
*excessive and/or misplaced guilt
*disconnect between teachings/practices
*cognitive dissonance
*emotional repression
*sexual repression
*environment that claims to promote humility but rewards charm, charisma, and leadership

I do not think any of these issues is unique to Mormonism, but I do think they deserve attention within the Mormon context.

Overall, I think the producers did a fantastic job. They provided a valid perspective, using comedy to provide meaningful insights. The story is not my favorite, but it was an appropriate metaphor. I didn't love the obscenity and vulgarity, but the music/lyrics are fantastic and I will be acquiring the sheet music sometime soon.

The End (of a chapter)

2011-06-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

It came in the mail today: I'm out!

"This letter is to notify you that, in accordance with your request, your name has been removed from the membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."

Feels GREAT.

"So I be written in the Book of Love. I do not care about that Book Above. Erase my name, or write it as you will. So I be written in the Book of Love."
— Omar Khayyám

Follow-up: My Exit

2011-05-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well, as I should have expected, my exit process is not yet complete. I think I'd heard before that there's some mandatory waiting period (mandatory, that is, if you haven't specifically asked for the process to be expedited. Whoops.). So I didn't get my "diploma" by my 30th birthday. Instead, though, the bishop I met with sent me a letter to acknowledge the process. I thought that was nice.

Too lazy to scan right now, but here's the text:

Dear Sister Simplysarah,
Re: Request for Name Removal

Following your request for your name removal from the records of The CoJCoLDS we met to discuss your decision. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings concerning your membership.

We acknowledge your request for name removal and your request is being acted upon.

Thank you for your years of dedicated teaching and the good that you have done in service to others. Thank you also for the pleasant interview we had. We part as friends and we wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Bishop

I bolded the last part, because it meant a lot to me that he would acknowledge and thank me for my years of service. I really did give a lot.

In other news, I've decided to try again to post on my old (original) blog - for Mormons & non-Mormons alike. I've just deactivated the comment feature to avoid public debates about my life choices. Feel free to stop by.

"Diverging Wills"

2011-04-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

I read this Church News article right before bed last night, and then found myself too upset to sleep. I'm pretty sure it was written by some well-intentioned but idealistic, ignorant kid who is a lifelong Utah Mormon. Not only does the author not have a clue about the hearts of apostates, who leave for MANY reasons, she also describes the pre-Mormon lives of new converts as "empty." Just, wow.

There is a laughable disclaimer at the end, "Please don't use this as an excuse to judge others." That makes about as much sense as saying, "I will show you how to judge," and then following it up with, "But judge not, lest ye also be judged."

Oh wait, that's already been done.

Anyway, if what was written was presented as a personal opinion, I wouldn't be so pissed off. It's the fact that is is presented in an official LDS publication.

Since I couldn't sleep, I emailed this response to churchnews@desnews.com:

I was recently directed to the article "Diverging Wills" in the April 16th edition of the Church News and found the article to be arrogant, simplistic, and very disappointing in its contrast of a "new believer" and a "once-believer." I believe the Church News can be a force for good, and I am concerned because of the effect articles like these have on earnest, humble readers of the Church News who accept these messages as inspired by God. One such reader is my mother.

I am a once believer and an ex-member, striving to maintain good relationships with family and friends, the vast majority of whom are active and devoted members of the LDS Church. In contrast to what was suggested in this article, my leaving the church has helped me to find greater enjoyment in social connections with these very friends and family. Yet, although my journey out of the church has coincided with a recovery of my emotional health, my family is blinded to this reality because they are taught this cannot be so. They reason to themselves that my happiness is temporary, pleasure-based, and that my life course is on a path to self-destruction. The reality is that I have become happier than ever - and NOT because of indulgence in the "pleasures of the flesh," but because I am learning how to deal appropriately with my emotions and I have greater willingness to follow an internal rather than an external moral compass.

For years, as a devoted and believing member of the Church, I was continually troubled because of my unhappiness. Because of teachings and articles like this one, I believed that my unhappiness could only be explained as due to my pride and selfishness. Thankfully, I finally had the courage to question whether there was more to my misery than those two factors. Through counseling, I was finally able to achieve something that my spiritual life and religious practice could not achieve: I began to like myself and feel hope for my future.

I know there are many people who find that the church helps them to be happy. But others of us do not have the same experience - and it is simply not fair or accurate to make a blanket statement that it is because we "stopped recognizing, appreciating and nurturing the fire of the Spirit," and made selfish and poor choices in our weakened state. How naive! How offensive! What a lack of empathy and understanding!

Please have compassion on us and on our families! Please help our loved ones who are members to STOP feeling responsible for our salvation. I have had to tell my mother that the more she tries to "bring me back," the less I want to be around her. I want my husband and children and MYSELF to be loved for who we are, not pitied for who we're not.

Please help our families to consider that the happiness of their no-longer-believing loved ones is not an illusion based in carnal pleasures of the flesh. That idea is offensive; it is hurtful. It is untrue. This teaching makes it hard for them to trust their own sense of things. It makes it almost impossible for them to be happy for us when we are happy. Instead, they want to mourn with us when we are NOT mourning.

Please, please think of the impact of your words before publishing them! Please help build bridges with "once believers" by helping members to accept us for who we are.

2011-04-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

I love the "I am an Exmormon" video series, and today I saw my absolute favorite video so far. This beautiful German couple sharing their journey out of the church.

Even better than the video (which is great) are their written exit stories. Henning's story was pretty much a parallel of my own thought journey, and both he and Maria pretty much nailed all the issues on the head. Eloquent and powerful. Follow the link and take a minute to read them if you haven't already!!

Happiness Outside the Box

2011-04-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about happiness, and I was surprised to realize that even as an atheist, my understanding of how to achieve happiness is practically unchanged: in my opinion, happiness comes through cultivating deep, loving relationships and by living with purpose and integrity. True when I was a Mormon, and true now.

So, why was I unhappy as a Mormon if I defined happiness in the same way? What has enabled me to achieve happiness outside the LDS Church, rather than within it?

When church teachings were combined with my personality, I ended up restricted in the following ways:

1) I felt limited in my opportunities to love.
Looking back, I see two main areas in which this was an issue.

I felt a sense of duty to be a giver and not a taker. I think this inhibited my ability to achieve true intimacy (both platonic as well as romantic).
I felt limited by my role as a woman. Although I tried to be attractive (in every sense of the word), tried to put myself "out there," and even asked guys out occasionally, I felt it was inappropriate to actively seek after the kind of romantic relationship I desired (and subtlety was NOT my game either).

2) I felt limited in my opportunity to live with purpose.
As I understood it, my purpose in life was to prepare for motherhood, find my eternal companion, and raise children to the Lord. Preparing for motherhood was no problem, but I felt powerless to fulfill the rest of my purpose and found it difficult to feel satisfied in the meantime. I felt like the clock (and my personality) was against me.

3) I felt that it was more important to be true to ideals than to myself.
It was not until my mission that I truly began to sense cognitive dissonance, or internal disagreement with what I had been taught to believe. For the next several years, I continued to conform but felt less and less emotionally connected to/convinced of the rightness of the teachings I had spent my life conforming to.

Through counseling, I became empowered to let go of shoulds. I began to tear down my emotional walls, to seek after the kind of relationships I wanted (regardless of what anyone else thought), and to truly live with integrity (that is, I began to see the superiority of following an internal rather than external moral code).

I learned for myself that happiness comes through principle, and not through context. That is how I know that it is not the state of "being Mormon" that makes some people good, and others bad. That is how I know it is not sexual orientation or a wedding which makes love and sex appropriate or not. That is how I know that things like alcohol and pornography are not self-destructive in and of themselves (it is how/why they are used).

The most astounding thing to me about the journey has been how difficult it is for others to relate the post-Mormon me with the Mormon me. In most ways, I am the same person I have always been. What has changed is my devotion to "the box," or one proposed model for the context of happiness.

Exit Interview

2011-04-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

This will be long, and possibly not interesting even for posterity-sake, but for myself at least, here is an accounting of my "exit interview":

Over a month ago I emailed the LDS Church my resignation request. A few days later I received usps confirmation of my request, along with the explanation that the matter would be handled by my last local bishop.

Two or three weeks passed and I still hadn't heard anything. So, I looked up my old ward and the phone number for its bishop. I called and explained to him (very cordially) that I had been told he would handle my resignation and I just wanted to know what the next step was?

But he told me he had actually sent my information to the bishop of my current local ward (don't know why the COB didn't do that in the first place, since I'd included my new address in the email, but whatever!). So, I looked up the information for my current local ward, found some phone numbers, and was finally able to track down my local ward bishop.

When I reached him, the local bishop and I also had a polite phone conversation. He said he'd just received my information and asked if we could meet. I agreed. I knew I didn't need to, but I kind of wanted to meet actually. And I'm glad I did. It was actually a satisfying, cathartic experience.

The Meeting
I was worried he would ask if we could start with a prayer, but he didn't. He asked me how things were going. I asked if he meant in reference to the church, or about life in general? He indicated both. In reference to the church, I gave him the short story:

I was the girl who always attended every church function and served in leadership positions. I tried to be 100% obedient. I began to feel especially unhappy soon into my mission, but knew that made no sense because I was trying to do everything "right." So I ignored it, or made sense of it only by reasoning that I was being too selfish and/or too proud.

For three years my unhappiness persisted and worsened. I ultimately decided to stop going to church, because I didn't like how I felt there. I didn't like how I felt about the people in my singles wards either.

Of course after I stopped going to church I didn't feel any happier....

Until I started counseling.

At this point the bishop indicated that he was glad to hear that, and that it seemed my unhappiness had not been my fault, and was likely due to more "clinical" reasons. I agreed.

I continued by explaining that within two or three months of therapy, I felt happier than I'd ever felt before, and that has continued to this date. Through therapy, I was also able to understand why I had been so unhappy in the church. I realized that while I recognized many good teachings and principles, there were several others that I found harmful and that I disagreed with. For years I had thought I was the problem, but through therapy I was able to recognize and know myself and feel confident in my personal views.

The bishop asked how things have gone with my family. I was happy to report that I have excellent parents and great siblings who have tried their best to understand and support me. He seemed glad. I explained that it is continually up and down, as the situation is still new for all of us, and I am sad that I cannot have the kind of relationship that I would like with them, but it is what it is - and it's better than it was before, since I am more honest and they are learning who I "really" am.

Throughout the visit, I felt the bishop was sincerely interested, thoughtful, and respectful. He truly approached the conversation as an exit interview; he never tried to dissuade me or condemn my decision. I appreciated that. I did not hide the fact that I am active in the exmo community online and that after leaving the church I also learned more about church history and have several disagreements with how church affairs have been conducted. But he merely listened, and didn't say anything judgmental.

He asked if I am happy and I said that I was. I wonder if he believed me. I'm sure he at least hoped that I am.

He asked me what my issues had been early on, and how he could help others with similar issues. I said that the first thing I recognized as bothering me was that I considered the church environment to be manipulative. I said that, for example, I thought it would be healthier if youth were taught to recognize their own feelings and questions and to explore them rather than to suppress them. I think when they are told what they do or should feel it pressures them to conform to the thoughts and feelings termed to be "appropriate."

I also said that I felt it would be more honest if the church did not make such an effort to "whitewash" history. He did agree that in recent years more information seems to have come to light which puts a more human spin on church founders (Yay internet!).

I lamented the general depression I sensed among sister missionaries in my mission. I talked about my relationship with a few close LDS friends, and how we're able to be open and honest about our views with eachother because we respect the other's beliefs and don't feel the need to persuade/convince. I talked about how I feel they are able to do something that people like me cannot do - believe in the gospel but live it according to personal conscience rather than according to every literal word of church leaders.

He asked what he might learn from me to help others, so I also gave a few other suggestions, like:

it would be great if people like my mother didn't have to feel guilty or responsible for the choices of their adult children (he agreed)
it would be great if people didn't think that all people who left the church were destined to live self-destructive lives (he agreed, saying that some people stay in the church and live self-destructive lives - a gracious concession)
it would be great if young women were taught that they could find happiness in ways other than simply being wives/mothers...(again, he agreed).

He gave a few indications that he thought perhaps things would have been different for me had I not ended up in Utah. Perhaps.Though I'm glad things worked out the way they did.

He asked if there were values I'd gained from the church that I felt I would take with me. I said that I definitely feel that way, integrity being foremost. When I told him about my plans for the future (career/family life) he said he expected me to have an interesting experience and to do good. He said he thought I would probably live my life very much like a member, just outside of the church. I laughed and said that in some ways I would, but in many ways I felt quite differently about the approach to take. Still, I said, I will likely have Mormon friends and family throughout my life and see great value in those relationships.

He said several times that the door was always open whether or not I was a member. He said that should I need help at a future date (i.e. welfare), the church would be there to help. I think its the last place I would go (not that I plan to need help anyway, but I agree one never knows), but I thought that was gracious of him anyway.

As we parted, I felt so touched that I actually felt a desire to offer my services (Hey, if you ever need a Spanish translator for a ward member...). But I also knew that there are plenty of other venues where I can give service, and I didn't want to give the wrong impression, so I kept my mouth shut.

As I walked away, I did shed a few tears. I was pleased with the experience, and simultaneously happy and sad for myself. Sad for the persistent sorrow and the bitterness and the hurt and the feelings of betrayal and the years it took me to get to this place; happy to be trying my best to move on; and happy too to be reminded of the general goodness of the LDS people I know.

The irony strikes me. For years I had to remind myself that the people weren't perfect but the church was. Now I have to remind myself that while the church isn't perfect so many of its people are trying their best to seek after love and goodness.

My exit interview was a metaphor for some of the most important lessons I've learned about life and myself: This man was gentle, and loving, and supportive, and so many good things - but I've finally learned that 1) the good to be found in the church is a fruit of the good people in it, and not the other way around, and 2) their approval is irrelevant to my personal happiness.

Behaviorism

2011-04-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Will behaviorists never learn that GUILT does not build character???

And yet they persist.

Good luck marrying off all your single, good-time-having, sexually-repressed, not-so-young men into emotionally satisfying unions with women who don't feel victimized in the least though.

*sigh*

Brigham Young

2011-03-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

Brigham Young sure ran his mouth, didn't he. Not only do I find his views generally repulsive, it seems to me he wasn't very good at making prophecies. Here's just one piece of evidence, from BYU's very own website:

"Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race -- that they should be the "servant of servants;" and they will be, until that curse is removed; and the Abolitionists can not help it, nor in the least alter that decree. How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them, and they never can hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam's children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain can not receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood."
-"Intelligence, etc." by Brigham Young, General Conference 1859

If only Mormons were required to read general conference talks from 150 years ago. THEN would they feel a little more prompted to reevaluate the whitewashing of their history?

The Ghosts of My Past

2011-03-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today on my ride home from school I thought about how far I've come in the last two years and I felt happy.

Two years ago I had just stopped going to church, I was depressed, I felt confused and hopeless and powerless about the future. I felt alone. Once I started going to counseling, my life improved by leaps and bounds.

Today, I am living the life I want. I have found the love of my life; he is smart and sweet and goofy and responsible (in his mother's words, he is truly a mensch), full of integrity...everything I need. Even his family is too good to be true. On top of that I have been accepted into the doctoral program of my choice; I am healthy; and most importantly I simply feel empowered to seek after the future of my dreams.

But then something reminded me of my life before. I started feeling powerless again. Powerless to have the kind of communication and connection I want with Mormon friends and family. Powerless to feel at peace with their beliefs, which seem so inextricably connected with memories of my past and current pain. Powerless to change the choices and attitudes of my past. Powerless to be able to never think about Mormonism again.

Critics of exmormons are always saying they don't understand why we can't let it go.

Let it go?!? Oh, how I wish I could!!

For me, Mormonism wasn't a hobby. It wasn't a phase. It was ME, it was MY LIFE, it was MY WORLD. For 28 YEARS. And even having tried my best to free myself, it seems like it will always be there: present in my relationships with loved ones, haunting my memory, coloring my worldview!

Mixed Feelings

2011-03-12T08:33:00.000-08:00

I finally started my resignation process this week. It was as easy as an email. I sent the email Monday night and Friday afternoon received acknowledgment (in the mail). Apparently my last bishop has to contact me to take care of my request (I'll give him a few days, and then maybe I'll look up a phone number and contact him to speed things along).

My lovely cousin is getting married today (in the temple), so last night I attended a pre-wedding dinner for family and friends. I had the opportunity to catch up with one of my few non-believing cousins (out of 22 grandkids on this side of my family, there are 3 of us I think). She had no idea I'd left the church, even though I've been out for going on 2 years (and open about it for 1.5). I even ran into her as Dave and I were leaving a pub recently, and I guessed by her reaction then that she didn't know what to think. The funny thing is, I know my parents have had conversations about me with her parents/siblings, but apparently this kind of information doesn't get passed on to the inactives, lol.

So it was really nice to be able to talk about some shared feelings/experiences. At the same time, we were surrounded by TBM loved ones and I had this underlying worry about offending them if/when they overheard our whispers. Like, a couple times the four of us (my cousin and her partner, and me and my boyfriend) made drinking jokes, and my little sister (RS pres in her singles ward) looked a bit disturbed. And it bothered me - not in the, "I feel offended that you're offended" way, but in the, "oh crap, there I go offending people again" way. I think that is a remnant of my Mormonism.

I had a great time at the dinner, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with visiting cousins today, but - after coming home last night, I couldn't help but cry again. I just feel so disconnected from my immediate family. I hate that who I am, and what I believe, and how I feel - is an offense to them. I long for the approval that I really think a non-Mormon family would give me. Personally, I'm really proud of myself - I've chosen integrity over pleasing others. I'm healthy, both physically and emotionally. I'm in a loving, committed relationship. I'm working towards a doctoral degree.

So it simply inflames me to know they think my life is a train wreck, and that I'm morally depraved!

It's stifling to know that for the rest of my life, as much as I want to be close to my family (both immediate and extended), doing so means I will continue to be reminded of how angry I am at Mormonism, of how I feel so robbed by it. This bitterness is the thorn in my flesh.

Moral Superiority

2011-03-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I read the headlines about BYU’s suspension of Brandon Davies. At first I was amused, noting the scurried clarification that Davies’s suspension was not due to criminal activity. I laughed. And then I thought about it some more, and my blood began to boil. I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I was troubled by the highly personal nature of the infraction, and by the pharisaical self-congratulation of those who agreed with BYU's decision. I was reminded of my own experiences, of my own departure from the “Honor Code” of my youth, and of my subsequent treatment by my former tribe.

Of course I understand that Davies knew the rules, agreed to the rules, and accepted the consequences administered. But I cannot help but recognize, quite clearly, the underlying message:

Our morality is superior to yours.

Davies was classified, in effect, as an infidel. No longer worthy to be part of the team, and even more significant - no longer worthy to receive higher learning.

As a child, I was taught to love all people and treat them with respect, even those who disagreed with me. I was taught that I was blinded by my own humanity and thus unable to know completely the hearts of others. I was taught to leave the judgment to God.

But when I departed from my faith, the judgment was not left to God.

From the people who had taught me, “Judge not, that ye be not judged” - I received words of condemnation.

By the people who had taught me, “Love your enemies,” and “Go after that [sheep] which was lost,” - I was ignored, avoided, and often defriended without explanation or attempts at reconciliation.

By the people who had taught me, “Whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain” - I was told that my choices rendered me no longer deserving of their help.

By the people who had taught me, “Let them worship how, where, and what they may,” – I was insulted for voicing my opinion and was asked to refrain from sharing that opinion with others.

The morality I have observed is different from mine, but it is certainly not superior. At the end of the day, we are all human.

To BYU and the people of the LDS Church, I say:

You can kick us off your team,
but in the end you'll find you're only hurting yourselves.

"I would, for the love of God, feel a man’s hands on me before I died."

2011-01-07T13:19:00.000-08:00

Um, I can SOOOOOOOO relate to this article!!!

Hope

2010-12-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning Dave and I went skiing. While the sky was bright blue above us and we practically had the slopes all to ourselves, I could not rid myself of a sense of melancholy. I could not stop thinking about a very recent conversation with a family member that had cut me to the core. I could not stop wondering if I would ever feel accepted again in my family (especially now that I am living with my boyfriend). I wept as I told Dave I didn't want to go to my family gathering later in the day. He said he would do whatever I wanted, but reminded me of how certain of my family members had generously helped with my move earlier this week. He suggested that avoidance would probably not resolve things and actually might hurt more people. I knew he was right, but was filled with dread.

So, later in the afternoon, we solemnly headed to the family gathering. As we drove, we tried to put ourselves in the shoes of those who had hurt us. We strengthened our resolve to be kind, or at least respectful. We arrived right on time, hugged one another, and put on our smiles...

We not only survived; we had a wonderful time.

This morning when I awoke, once again I could not help but weep. This time, however, the feeling was quite different. I was filled with hope. Yesterday, as Dave and I tried our best to move past the hurt, my family members simultaneously tried their best to do the same. When we hugged, there were tender feelings, but most of all love. I can't begin to explain how much the evening meant to me. I was proud of Dave, proud of myself, and reassured of my family's love.

I so appreciated the words of a sister, telling me that even though she does not see eye to eye with us, she does not think we are bad. Furthermore, she said, she can see that I am happy, and is glad for that. I needed to hear those words.

I was pleased and touched to see the Christmas stocking laid out with my boyfriend's name on it, and the gifts addressed to both of us. Over and over my family showed that even if they don't understand or approve our choices, they accept and love us.

I was not sure if I should share this experience, recognizing that in our DAMU community there is much hurt and heartache relating to our relationships with our TBM families. But I decided to share it for two reasons, 1) out of fairness, considering the more negative experiences I've also shared in this blog, and 2) to encourage those who wonder - as I have many times - if they can ever again enjoy being around their families after feeling so hurt.

I loved Jon Stewart's speech a couple months ago, in which he said how people consistently show that they can set aside differences and get along [in spite of the polarizing media]. We humans are incredibly resilient, and capable of loving and forgiving. I'm glad for opportunities to be reminded of that.

Vulnerability and Worthiness

2010-12-23T11:43:00.001-08:00

The Information We Need

2010-12-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

Today I posted this link on my facebook page with the following statement,

"We won't get there with a standardized test and we won't get there with a culture of one right answer." LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I was writing about my philosophy on education, but clearly it's consistent with my philosophy on life in general. And as I published it to my profile, and remembered that both of my favorite quotes come from readings in educational psychology but are applicable to my views on life, it occurred to me that I might not have left the LDS church without the catalyst of my graduate studies in learning theory.

Which reminded me of three stories...so excuse me now as I wax nostalgic:

When I was 17 and deciding what major to declare, a wise friend suggested I pick something that I thought about frequently. If I had been honest, I would have admitted there and then that the clear winner was nutrition. Since 9th grade I had spent much of my free time (plus all the time I was bored in school) planning how much and what kinds of food to eat and when I could eat it. [Yes folks, this is symptomatic of disordered eating]. As it was, it took me another two years to own my obsession and declare Dietetics as my major. But, once I finally enrolled in my first nutrition class, I had no doubt that it was just where I wanted to be. I described sitting in class as an "almost spiritual experience," in which I felt I was thirstily drinking at a fountain of knowledge. I applied what I learned to myself. By the time I graduated 3 years later, I had made peace with [my love of] food and felt so much more comfortable with my body. It changed my life. I was able to move on.

Fast forward to Fall of 2008. It was a time when I was experiencing deep emotional anguish, trying to reconcile LDS teachings with my own (and others') life experiences. It was also my first semester of graduate school. Looking back, is it really so surprising that I found myself wanting to understand the way humans learn "truth?" In my class Foundations of Learning, I once again found myself thirstily drinking it up. It was in that class that I began to understand logically why I felt such an aversion to behaviorism (because it's manipulative!!). It was then that I began to find empirical evidence for why I didn't feel right about the idea that everyone "should" conform to one worldview. I began to change my view of the purposes and appropriate means of learning. A few months later I started to go inactive.

Finally, in Fall of 2009, another important learning experience. I flew to Boston for a weekend. I fell in love with something in the air there. What was it? Perhaps, I decided, it was the almost contagious desire for knowledge everywhere I went. I boarded the flight home a few days later and immediately felt a pit in my stomach. I did NOT want to go to back to work. I dragged myself through the next few days until I met with my therapist for our usual appointment. As we talked about my feelings, she helped me to see that I had all the information in front of me to determine what it was I really wanted. What I needed. I spent the rest of the day puzzling, but it was not hard to put 2 and 2 together. I hated my job. I loved academia. Four days after returning from Boston, I resigned from my job to the shock of, well, pretty much everyone (including my therapist, when I told her the next week). But I felt immensely happy and confident that I was making the right decision. That happiness has only increased since, as I'm now well on my way toward my dream of obtaining a PhD.

In all three situations, I had what I needed. Feelings, interests, preoccupations. By acknowledging and acting on those things, I was able to find the tools I needed to live the kind of life I want to live.

A Cause I Believe In

2010-12-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

I'm very honored to have been a part of this project!

What to make of it?

2010-12-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

So...here's about how the conversation went down (multiply by 3 hours):

M: Can you please explain what happened to make you leave the church?
S: Blah blah blah...[Mix 1 cup cognitive dissonance and 1 cup unhappiness, add 1 cup successful psychotherapy and 1 teaspoon church history]...blah blah blah.

M: But I know the church is true.
S: But I know it's not. Plus I'd rather go to hell than believe in a god who appointed Joseph Smith and Brigham Young (et al) as prophets. They were bad men.

M: But I don't care about them.
S: But I wish you would.

M: I think your choices are hurtful and self-destructive and I will feel responsible for your salvation for the rest of my life.
S: I understand that you think so, but I disagree, and just fyi the more I am treated like my choices are self-destructive, the less I will want to be around you.

M: But I love you.
S: I love you too.

*SIGH*

What was accomplished by the conversation? I guess at least she understands more of how I came to leave the church, which helps her to attach a reason and make sense of it. But personally, I just feel more frustrated.

It seems to me that the only way to still be able to spend time together and feel good about it is for both of us to keep our opinions to ourselves (which is pretty much what we've been doing for the past year and a half). I asked her to try to treat me and my boyfriend like she would treat neighbors who have their own set of strong beliefs. She doesn't think that's possible.

Damn those who would (and do) make parents feel eternally responsible for their "wayward" children! I just can't see how that helps the relationship AT ALL.

Looking back: How I came to Question

2010-12-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

A loved one just called to arrange a time for us to talk. I'm looking forward to it, but - I couldn't help but wonder if there was an ulterior motive behind the call. After all, I recently announced I'm moving in with my boyfriend. Is it possible this is an attempt to talk some sense into me? Frankly I don't mind, because these are usually the talks that allow me to express my view of things too. I'm in favor of more open communication, which means the vocalization of different points of view.

So, accepting the invitation led me on a trip down memory lane. I started thinking about all the issues that added up and gave me the courage to finally question and then (5 minutes later) reject Mormonism. If I were to make a roughly chronological list, I would say my deconversion was mostly facilitated by the following:

My recognition that Mormonism preached "ye shall know them by their fruits," but failed to boast significantly more of the "good fruits" than other religions
My secret admission (post-mission) that I'd prefer the eternal company of lots of people not interested in Mormonism over many Mormons and investigators
My low opinion of the morality/maturity of the average single Mormon man in comparison with those outside of the church (for example, one of my gay friends who left the church was just head and shoulders above many of my active male peers in overall goodness)
My inability to reconcile the idea of a god who preferred his children to stay single if a temple-worthy spouse was not to be found with a god who 1) wanted his children to learn by having families, and 2) would command a prophet (Hosea) to marry a harlot
My education in theories of learning, which led me to recognize Mormonism theology as based on behaviorism - a manipulative mode of learning (why would god choose to base his religion on such a qualitatively and morally inferior mode of learning?)
My frustration with the disproportionate focus on striving for personal perfection versus actively working for peace in the world
My perception of a general sense of self-loathing and eternal inadequacy within myself and among many of my most faithful friends and a belief that such was not healthy or consistent with the happiness promised from living the gospel
My realization that so many prophets in the Book of Mormon and other scriptures were self-righteous
My recognition that Joseph Smith was emotionally manipulative
My disbelief in a god who would EVER allow his prophets (eg. Brigham Young) to fuel racism
My disbelief in a god who would simultaneously endorse agency and discourage access to multiple points of view (wasn't the war in heaven supposed to have started with a two-sided debate?)
My growing understanding of how the brain works

Tolerance of Religion

2010-11-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

On Friday I attended a Shabbat service with my boyfriend's family. The congregation was Reform Jewish, which I understand to be a movement with a more modern, liberal approach to the ancient faith. I quite enjoyed the experience, mostly because there was a talented Cantor playing a guitar and a lot of singing in Hebrew. Also because there was challah afterward.

I felt a bit nostalgic as the Rabbi gave a short sermon on the story of Jacob, and as I read the English translations of the Hebrew prayers. As my boyfriend pointed out the word mitzvah and defined it as "good deeds," I was reminded of the human yearning, expressed in so many different belief systems, to be and to do good. It is a desire shared by atheists, like us.

It was a great experience, because it reminded me that I can still be inspired or at least prodded to reflection by occasional exposure to religious philosophy. Even judeo-christian (even Mormon!). It's not all bad. :)

This morning I listened briefly to a TED webcast on creating a compassionate world. To be honest, it was a bit boring. But the speakers all had differing perspectives, and hearing them allowed me to reflect on one of my strongest beliefs: that no single perspective has a monopoly on wisdom! It is a beautiful thing when we are willing to listen, and respect, and be different, and also seek common ground.

Why I can't leave it alone

2010-10-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I read about the quiet edits made to Boyd K. Packer's general conference talk. I felt a mixture of satisfaction and frustration.

Satisfaction: that his words were considered in need of changing.
Frustration: that this kind of quiet editing goes on all the time without coming to the attention of every-day members of the LDS Church.

I thought how, in light of last weekend's controversy, such edits might be considered news-worthy. And I thought how, considering their "quiet" methods, the LDS Church was probably hoping that wouldn't happen. Which I think is unfortunate, because couldn't they use these corrections as evidence that they're trying to be more cognizant of other perspectives?

When I was 17 years-old, my father was a mission president. General authorities visited our home at least a couple times a year. During one particular visit, I sat with my family and the visiting general authority in the living room, listening earnestly as he related anecdotes about his interactions with then president of the church, Gordon B. Hinckley.

The general authority mentioned how, in a recent meeting, President Hinckley had wondered aloud why the world wouldn't just "leave us the hell alone." Everyone chuckled, but my stomach dropped. President Hinckley - the man I considered God's chosen spokesperson on earth - swore?

I mean, I had sworn before. In fact, it was a favorite bad habit of mine when I'd been a 4th grader. But by the time I was 12 or 13, I felt enough remorse to confess to my bishop. So as a 17 year-old striving for pure speech, I felt troubled by what seemed a double standard.

I quickly made peace with the cognitive dissonance, reassuring myself that the pressures on President Hinckley were much greater than those I faced. He was God's servant, but not God himself. And in later years, as I became increasingly disillusioned with the principle of "exact obedience" but still maintained my faith, I began to see the anecdote in the same humorous light as had my parents and the general authority. Today, as a nonbeliever, I still have a tremendous amount of respect for Gordon B. Hinckley, and am not bothered if he chose to spice up his dialogue with an occasional hell or damn.

But Gordon, I now understand something that you couldn't. I understand why they (we) can't leave the church alone. Because when the church publicly speaks words of condemnation, only to send a semantically different message in private, we feel disappointed by the lack of integrity.

We Need a New Dialogue

2010-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

Even though I left the LDS church over a year ago, most of my close friends are still active Mormons. My friends tend to be intelligent, open-minded, politically moderate, compassionate individuals...who are also informed by their individual spirituality and religious convictions.

Yesterday I spoke with one of these friends about Boyd K. Packer's talk and the ensuing controversy. We discussed the heartache each of us and many of our acquaintances (on both sides of the issue) had experienced over the weekend. As we talked, my main question was this - How can we all learn to live with, love, and reach out in understanding to one another, in spite of significant idealogical differences?

My friend expressed her view (and I agree) that different groups - like Mormons and Exmormons - often share many common values, but allow hot button issues to polarize and divide and prevent working together productively on shared goals. She reminded me of Jon Stewart's recent admonition that we all "take it down a notch."

We need a more constructive dialogue. I don't agree with the LDS viewpoint that any sexual relationship, other than that of 1 man and 1 woman legally married, is impure. I believe that to publish such a viewpoint is hurtful. But I also think - to be fair - I should acknowledge that LDS teachings emphasize individual worth, compassion, empathy, and tolerance. I think it's telling that I can talk with many of my Mormon friends about my atheist perspective and lifestyle choices and not feel judged, but rather, loved and accepted.

In another conversation I had with a loved one the other night, I began to suggest that there is a way to share your views such that others will feel loved or at least respected, and there is a way to share your views such that others will feel angered and alienated. As soon as the words left my mouth I realized I needed to take my own advice.

Let's stand up for what we believe without demonizing those who disagree with us. We will never all see things the same way - it's the blessing and curse of diversity. But through understanding and tolerance, I hope we can find a way to work together for the good of mankind.

10/7 edited for clarity

Conference Time

2010-10-03T14:56:00.000-07:00

Spent a lovely weekend in Park City with my boyfriend. As we drove back to Salt Lake this afternoon, the gorgeous fall colors reminded of another fall drive with my college roommates following general conference 10 years ago. We went up the canyon near BYU to ponder the messages we received (incidentally, the personal revelation I received during that particular conference was that God could help me to gain control of my weight through scriptural principles - lol!).

Yesterday morning I commented to Dave that General Conference used to be my favorite time of year. No, I'm not kidding (Yes, I used to be a total church nerd). Between the ages of 17 and 27, I was actually more excited for conference than for any other holiday. I always watched all sessions (even when I lived in Taiwan)...then I would listen to them over and over again while jogging...and I enjoyed filling my hard copy of the Conference Ensign with handwritten cross-references.

Dave asked me why I loved it so much (which I thought was a very good question). I guessed that it was because during conference 1) I felt validated in my perspective and life choices, and 2) I felt inspired to be better.

I felt pretty upset this afternoon as I read about some of the messages delivered so far, messages which my family members and many of my friends accept part and parcel with messages of faith and comfort and encouragement as the word of God. Argh. Considering that most of the active Mormons I know believe that homosexuality has at least some genetic components to it...sounds like backwards progress to me. *sigh*

Resignation: Still In Process

2010-09-21T16:46:00.001-07:00

Um, soooo I didn't send the draft I shared as my last post.

Not because I'm scared or nervous!! Lazy, mostly (I hate snail mail!). And, because it just felt too...angsty. Meh.

I've been working on another draft for the past couple weeks, but it keeps becoming shorter and shorter...In the end, I'll probably just copy out the form letter on a scrap of paper and be done! Will keep you posted.

Anyway, if my story is going to do anyone any good, it will most likely be here, online - and not in the COB.

Meanwhile, I find that everytime I think of how I came to be the happily disaffected woman that I am today...the story is so rich and complex and ESPECIALLY - multifaceted. I could tell my story in so many different ways - anyone else feel the same way?

Lately, my leaving story is mostly boiling down to the fact that I left mormonism to find love. Booyah, mission accomplished.

Resignation Letter, aka, My "So There!" Letter

2010-08-27T15:17:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern:

After twenty-eight years of whole-heartedly living “after the manner of happiness,” I found myself miserable, insecure, resigned and lonely. Confused by the anger and self-loathing I felt participating in the church of the god I loved, I did something unthinkable: I stopped going.

And, I started seeing a therapist.

Just over a year later, I am happier than I ever was as a dedicated, believing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Today, I feel proud of who I am and confident in my worldview. No longer paralyzed by my fear of missing out on motherhood (though motherhood still remains a goal), I have found a career path that challenges my potential. I feel satisfied by more authentic, loving relationships with friends and family members. I am dating someone who truly loves and respects me as his equal. I am humbled by the knowledge and wisdom that abounds in the “secular world.” I am hungry to learn and contribute.

I no longer believe in the god of my upbringing. I am, in fact, an atheist. I am also very much the same person I was before: moral, empathic, loving, optimistic.

I no longer wish to be a part of a religion that I now recognize to be just as man-made as all the rest. My heart aches as I reflect on my past life. From personal experience, I have learned that “it is not the mind of heretics that are deteriorated most, by the ban placed on all inquiry which does not end in the orthodox conclusions. The greatest harm is done to those who are not heretics, and whose whole mental development is cramped, and their reason cowed, by the fear of heresy."

For twenty-eight years, I never dared cross the line. It is true that I did learn many important lessons within the context of Mormonism, such as the value of loving all people and of seeking knowledge and understanding. But, as with Adam and Eve during their stay in the Garden of Eden, I was unable to experience true love, happiness, and meaningful personal progress until I partook of the forbidden fruit and left the “garden” (the Church).

Within my field (educational psychology), I have found that ideal learning exists when understanding is sought through objectivity, experimentation and evidence rather than an approach characterized by emotional manipulation and declarations of authority. I cannot condone the closed, conformist approach of the LDS Church.

I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, effective immediately. I request no contact from this point forward, except to acknowledge that my request has been processed and my name removed from church records. I expect this acknowledgment within 30 days of receipt of this letter.

Sincerely,
Simplysarah

Appreciation for the tribe of my youth?

2010-06-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

My mom got home from vacation Friday, so I called her yesterday to apologize if my post-it had hurt her feelings. I explained that last weekend had been a bit rough for me...which apparently she'd already heard from another source.

She then proceeded to say something about how my note had surprised her, only because she'd thought I was open to listening to other people's points of view. I said I guessed that was true, I do want to be like that...though I don't want her to retain any false hope. She didn't really respond to that part. :)

Later when I went for a jog, I continued to think about the conversation. My parents raised me to enjoy learning about other cultures. They taught me that it was possible to value and respect belief systems other than my own, which helps explain why I'm so fascinated by anthropology.

I still feel a lot of anger and bitterness towards the LDS Church. I plan to resign my membership by the end of the summer. But as I jogged, I thought to myself (not for the first time) that I'd like to learn to feel towards Mormonism the way my parents taught me to feel about other religions and cultures growing up.

Is that possible? Well, since the majority of my friends and family are very active Mormons, I hope so.

My boyfriend, who was raised Jewish (but like me is an atheist), has talked about taking me to the local temple during the next Jewish festival. I wonder...would I ever want to take him to some Mormon celebration, just for a few hours of cultural appreciation?

Honestly, that doesn't sound appealing to me yet. I have NOOOOO interest in attending religious productions at the Conference Center.

A year later, yes, I'm still not Mormon

2010-06-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

I had the closest thing I've ever had to a panic attack last night. It's actually a little unsettling how close I've felt to losing it - again - all day today. Fortunately, my sweet boyfriend was with me at the time. I think it freaked him out a bit (it freaked me out too!), but he let me cry and wiped my tears and listened and put his arms around me while I hyperventilated.

He even offered to take me to Canada, which made me smile, mostly because that was exactly what I wanted. To escape.

I think the attack was precipitated by the slow cumulation of mini-stressors, including incidents like the following:

A couple weeks ago, while talking with a loved one, the individual began to cry and told me they still loved me but missed the "old Sarah." I reminded the individual that the old Sarah was very unhappy. They knew. And I understood. But I didn't know what else to say. And it put a damper on my morning, to say the least.

Yesterday, while spending time with another loved one, the individual told me that the seeming 360-degree change I've made during the last year is surreal, and that they and others who love me constantly feel worried for me and don't approve of the decisions I'm making. They also suggested that my therapist did her best to convince me that I should leave the church, which I found highly offensive considering I was already inactive when I started therapy, we hardly talked about my relationship with the church, and I consider myself smart enough to have made the decision on my own.

Shortly after that conversation, I came across a gift left for me from another close loved one: a conference Ensign, with love, and a p.s. about the person's favorite session. I returned the gift with another post-it: Thank you, but I'm really not going to read it. Love, Sarah.

Damn it, I know better! N O T H I N G could ever entice me to look for wisdom or understanding from leaders or teachings of Mormonism.

It just SUCKS to realize that those who've loved me the longest would rather have me be insecure, unfulfilled, lonely, and depressed, but "SAFE" sharing their same perspective -- than accept me as the confident, happy, and self-determined woman I am as an atheist.

I know most who might read this blog understand what I'm talking about, and that many of you have endured far worse. I'm finally getting a clue of what you've gone through too. I've been brainstorming for my resignation letter...I find that makes me feel better.

Blogging: Update

2010-02-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

In early 2007, I joined the blogging world. I've spent the last three years publicly documenting my efforts to understand and define myself, my interests, my dreams, my desires. During the last year (as I finally deconverted from the LDS Church), the introspection intensified a bit...resulting in the creation of this [my third] blog.

It's been a great process, and I think...blogging has served its purpose for me. These days I often think to myself that life *feels* like a miracle:

I am happy.
I like myself.
I feel truly free to determine my own path.
I am cultivating authentic, meaningful relationships.

I am seeking - and FINDING - a tribe of my own.

I'm so grateful for those of you who've listened and cared and supported me in my journey. The community I found in the blogosphere helped me to dream of finding a comparable community in real life. My journey seems to be leading me increasingly offline these days...but it's quite possible I'll still kick around here every once in a while.

Meanwhile, thanks soooo much!

Love,
*simplysarah*

Destiny

2010-02-08T12:57:00.000-08:00

Did you hear the one about how the Saints' win was "meant to be?" *giggle*

Meant to be. It reminds me of Tim Minchin's song, "If I Didn't Have You." He refers to the idea of destiny within romantic love - of soulmates - and how statistically improbable the idea is.

People everywhere continue to feel and believe that certain events/relationships in their lives are pre-determined. Why? Perhaps because life is a series of trials and errors, and every success feels like a miracle? Of course I know that feeling!

But now I'd rather see things with an awareness of probability and even of the principles of natural selection. Interestingly, it makes me feel more confident that I'll achieve future successes. I don't need "destiny" to help me out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a related tangent, understanding the feeling of "destiny" helps me to imagine how someone could conclude that their religion is "the one." The reality is that in religion, as in the love Minchin sings about, connections are strengthened by association, shared experiences, and "symbiotic empathy." Affection simply grows over time..."like a flower, or a mushroom, or a guinea pig, or a vine." ;)

Conclusion: If a [religious] person didn't have their particular religion of choice...they'd probably just find another one. And feel just as devoted...meanwhile completely ignorant of the non-miraculous phenomenon actually taking place.

Hilarious

2010-02-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

I know most of you have probably seen this already...but I love it.

Self-Trust

2010-01-27T20:54:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, my mom used to make assorted cookies to give to friends and neighbors for Christmas. One year my teenage brother was in charge of the no-bake cookies. When no one was looking, he substituted onion flakes for some or all of the coconut.

The no-bake cookies had always been my favorite. But that particular year, I remember biting into one and tasting something...off. I told my mom. I still remember the conversation pretty clearly, although I think I was fairly young at the time. She told me I was wrong. There was no off flavor. They were fine.

I was confused. But, well, I had to admit they were still pretty damn good...what with the fudgy chocolate and all. And mom said they were fine, so...I kept eating them. Lots of them. :)

It wasn't until a few days later when one of my neighbors made a comment to Mom that she realized they were a bit onion-y!! She was mortified. My brother was punished (he had to go door to door to apologize to everyone who'd received some). And I was vindicated. But I'm pretty sure I kept eating them. By then I was used to the onion...and chocolate is chocolate.

---------------------------------------------------------

It's always been funny to me, remembering back, and realizing that I knew something was "wrong" - I can still remember the taste! - but I trusted my mom's as the final word, and anyway...I was crazy for sugar.

As I've said way too many times before, when I left the church, it was because the "fruit" had been tasting off to me for a while and I just couldn't stomach any more. As far as I knew, it was not the fruit's problem. It was just a matter of taste.

It was months before I could acknowledge to myself that no wonder the fruit tasted wrong - the tree was diseased!

I know that sounds harsh. Admittedly, I know some Mormons who recognize the off-flavor and skillfully find a way to avoid consuming the bad parts or know how to spit them out. That's cool with me.

But I feel sad for all the people who believe it when they're told there IS no off-flavor, and who eat a fruit they don't love until they're so accustomed that they can't imagine anything better.

Means and Ends

2010-01-23T05:35:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about consequentialism. As I'm somewhat of a relativist, it's probably not surprising that I'm also an "end justifies the means" kind of girl. But I always have been...

My friend and I were talking recently about why each of us left the LDS church. I left ultimately because I didn't like the "ends" of mormonism - the fruits of the gospel and culture. My friend left because he didn't agree with the "means" of mormonism - the actions taken to establish that gospel and culture.

Honestly both of us dislike the means and the ends (understatement!)... and both of us came to the same conclusion (that we wanted to dissasociate ourselves)...but one aspect was particularly motivational when it came to accepting or rejecting the church. I accepted, and later rejected the church for consequential reasons (it fosters happiness...oh wait no, it destroys happiness!). He accepted, and later rejected the church for deontological reasons (it is pure and correct...oh wait no it is machiavellian and corrupt!).

I think that distinction is fascinating! How do each of us prioritize means and ends, and how do those priorities color our relationships with mormonism (or worldview of choice)?

Letting Go of God

2010-01-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

This week I saw Julia Sweeney's "Letting Go of God." It was wonderful. I expected it to be interesting, but it was more than that. Engaging, intelligent, thought-provoking, moving...oh, and HILARIOUS.

I won't say more than that, just see it if you get the chance!

Sexuality

2010-01-18T19:21:00.000-08:00

From The Sexual Life of Savages by Bronislaw Malinowski, 1929* (emphasis added):

"To the average normal person, in whatever type of society we find him, attraction by the other sex and the passionate and sentimental episodes which follow are the most significant events in his existence, those most deeply associated with his intimate happiness and with the zest and meaning of
life.

To the sociologist, therefore, who studies a particular type of society, those of its customs, ideas, and institutions which centre round the erotic life of the individual should be of primary importance."

The "average normal person," I love that. Anyway, obviously the wording would be different today, in recognition of those attracted to their own sex. But I am intrigued by the general idea and I wonder...to what extent is our [chosen] philosophical/religious affiliation motivated by our personal views of romantic love/sex?

Was my decision to leave the LDS church ultimately a sexual one? Is it most signficant because of how it will affect (or rather allow for) my attractions/romantic relationships?

Uh....perhaps? ...in a vastly oversimplified way? ...Sure.

Hmmmm, what thoughts do you have?

*a required text for my current anthropology class, "Family, Power and Society"

Counseling

2010-01-16T14:41:00.001-08:00

I think I'm done with counseling. I almost can't believe it. In seven months my therapist has helped me achieve what 28 years of religious education failed to do: to begin to understand the nature of my own personal happiness. And, to stop hating myself.

I feel that I still have a long way to go, and I have no doubt I'll seek counseling again in the future. But for now, I just want to keep applying what I've learned. Including:

1) Feelings are not good or bad; they are informative.
2) The more information, the better.
3) It's important to find a balance between emotion and rationality (rather than becoming too one-sided).
4) Identifying the "risks" of certain actions is helpful for understanding/overcoming inhibitions
5) "I don't know" doesn't mean "I don't know."
6) There is a difference between thoughts and judments and feelings
7) I don't need someone else to tell me the right way to be/feel/speak (aka There is no rule book for life/love)
8) Manipulation is manipulation, no matter how well-intentioned
9) There is a difference between knowing how to care about someone and actually liking the person
10) It's not so important what I believe as it is why

Those are just a few things I can come up with off the top of my head. Truly, I can hardly remember the wreck I was less than a year ago.

So yeah, I'd just like to say I have a testimony of psychotherapy. I know it's true. ;)

my decreasing ability to comprehend the endurance of mormonism

2010-01-10T04:40:00.000-08:00

Soon after I realized I didn't believe in the LDS church (September 2009), I talked with a fellow exmo on the phone. He has been out of the church for 5 years. As we talked about Mormon friends and family, I expressed my sadness that no one else of my close acquaintance would likely ever leave the church. I was surprised when fellow exmo countered that actually, 1)he had several friends who'd left the church since he had and 2)he didn't think it at all unlikely that many more would follow.

At the time I couldn't comprehend such an idea. It seemed like a miracle (still does) that I'd ever managed to reject the church and walk away. To think that other of my friends and family could do the same...??

Of course since then I've learned that a few old friends are going through the same thing as me.

And, the longer I'm out, the more I find myself continually thinking that surely, SURELY, they're all gonna figure it out eventually!!...and leave, just like I did.

It's like I know it's not true that such a mass exodus will take place - I know plenty (the majority) will stick with it for life - I just can't comprehend it.

Does anyone else feel this way when they're around mormons, this feeling of surreality that such a belief system can be maintained?

Semantics

2010-01-08T21:36:00.001-08:00

Before I graduated from BYU, I worked for a summer with a born-again Christian girl. I was astounded to learn that she prayed and received answers to her prayers. Me too! [Please remember, I was a sheltered little BYU student at the time. Even though up to that point I'd had several non-Mormon friends, few of them had been very religious.]

When we had discussions about spiritual things, I was continually impressed by her genuine belief and seeming closeness to god. I came away from that summer with just a little less ethnocentricity. So did she. By the time we parted, we both believed that the other would probably be going to "heaven." But I was still confused at how she could accept the Bible and deny that baptism was necessary for salvation or justify premarital sex.

7.5 years and an apostasy later, I am still intrigued by modern christianity (not as a potential believer, of course, but as an observer). So, I took advantage of my recent vacation to ask my good friend and traveling companion (also a very faithful christian) what she thought about baptism and premarital sex.

And as she began to talk about her beliefs and her religious experience it just sounded SO. INCREDIBLY. FAMILIAR.

In her words I could hear myself. My old self. Explaining and rationalizing the evolution of my religion. Her justification was grace. My justification had been the omniscience of god (+ modern-day revelation).

But all I could think, over and over, was...it's all the same, the same, the SAME!!! The words are different, but the same thing is taking place. The world changes, and our cultures adapt, and we use different reasoning to explain the adaptations, failing to see what's really going on. How did I not recognize this before????

For example. My friend chooses abstinence before marriage, but seemed to suggest that while that is the ideal, it's perhaps not realistic or necessary for everyone (saved by grace). At first glance this (optional abstinence) sounds like a much more flexible approach than in mormonism. Yet - just because the LDS church has a highly structured disciplinary process doesn't mean that premarital sexuality isn't becoming more and more common/acceptable (in deed, if not in word).

My friend also chose to be baptized, but similarly does not consider this ultimately necessary for believers. Even though the "textbook" says LDS baptism is necessary for salvation, I know plenty of mormons who believe that things will be "worked out" for really good people (including those who refuse baptism in this life).

Anyway, I know I'm just using a couple examples here, but it reminds me of Urban Koda's discussion of the "difference" between tithing in the LDS church and indulgences.

Semantics.

Catching Up

2010-01-08T08:12:00.001-08:00

I just got back from Taiwan last night. I've been out of the country for two weeks but it feels more like I've been on another planet for two years and I can't quite remember how life was when I left. You know that surreal sense of reality you have when you leave the movie theatre after an engrossing film? It kinda feels like that. An existential mini-crisis. :)

During the trip, I asked my good [very active Christian] friend several questions about her beliefs and her religious experience. It was fascinating. I had a few thoughts.

1. In religion, semantics is such a BIG DEAL. But so often it's just words that divide us, WORDS!!! I'll be thinking/writing more about that one...

2. Religious/philosophical/social evolution is real. We adapt our belief systems to our environments. Well, duh.

3. We humans are continually finding/creating stories to convince us of our own perceived reality. Frequently mixing up our causes and effects?

Checklists and Diversions

2009-12-21T07:29:00.001-08:00

It seems to me that religiosity is about feeling comfortable. In order to manage tension, religion provides superficial resolutions. By means of checklists, tension is eased and comfort restored.

For example, when I feel grateful, I also feel unsettled until I do something about it. Ack! Tension! So (as mentioned in the previous post), religion formerly provided me a way to "take care of" that tension. Direct your gratitude to God. Say a prayer. Be more obedient. Check, check, check. *sigh of relief*

As I thought more about my former tension-easing mechanisms, it all seemed so selfish. It feels unfortunate to me that so many naturally outwardly-turned people have been duped into a lifestyle of self-absorbed complacency:

How best to fill my desire for knowledge?
By viewing all information as it fits into a gospel context. Downplaying/ignoring whatever fails to support dogma. Becoming an expert in "the mysteries of God."

How best to express my drive to achieve?
By devoting myself 110% to becoming a mother, and then to motherhood.

How best to serve mankind?
By helping everyone else think like me.

How best to care for the earth?
Oh don't worry too much about that, the millenium's coming soon anyway.

Bullshit.

I want to know, I want to achieve, I want to love, I want to be wise. I want to address tension by moving towards it, and away from an inward-turned life.

Prayer

2009-12-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

When I was a believer, prayer was a very satisfying ritual. I particularly remember beautiful days during my undergrad studies -- walking by a burning bush in the fall...looking up into a radiant blue sky...breathing in blossoms in springtime. My heart would swell with joy, and I'd pray my gratitude. Thank you.

Just now I was reading (yes, the same book I keep talking about!). What I read was enlightening, humbling, humanistic, beautiful. I closed the book and felt the familiar heart-swell.

And then -- what?

Whom to thank???

The author, I guess? And thousands of social and educational psychologists? And generations of earnest parents? Argh, I'm not quite sure.

But, I'm freaking grateful for life and the pursuit of knowledge!

Making Sense of Conditional Love

2009-12-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

In Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting, he shares the following quote by Alice Miller:

"Many people continue to pass on the cruel deeds and attitudes to which they were subjected as children, so that they can continue to idealize their parents."

Kohn adds:

"We have a powerful, unconscious need to believe that everything our parents did to us was really for our own good and was done out of love. It's too threatening for many of us even to entertain the possibility that they weren't entirely well-meaning -- or competent."

In light of these thoughts, it makes sense to consider religion a coping mechanism. It provides a way for mankind to justify the behaviorist practices (read: conditional love) of forebears -- by attributing the approach to God.

Revisiting the Past

2009-12-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

In nine days I fly to Taiwan to visit old friends and relive sentimental memories. I spent a year there teaching English after college. I am super excited to go back!!! I am also curious about how it will seem to my friends that in 5 years I've gone from uber-active mormon proselytizer to agnostic.

While I lived there, one of my friends (my supervisor) met with the missionaries a few times. Hearing her pray during the first lesson was one of the most beautiful experiences of my time there. Even now, as a nonbeliever, it's still a precious memory. After a few lessons my friend realized the church wasn't for her. Meanwhile, it was a great bonding experience. The experience whet my appetite and definitely contributed to my decision to serve a mission a few months later. I sent in my mission papers before I left Taiwan.

During this visit, I'll be traveling with my former roommate. She is a very believing Christian who also attended weekly church while we lived in Taiwan. I sent her a Book of Mormon from the MTC. In her response (which I received a few months after arriving in "the field") she explained she would not be reading the BoM and wished I would be more willing to investigate my own church...

Hmmmm. She got her wish. ;)

Man I can't wait til next week!

Unique Interpretations

2009-12-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

When I was 16 years-old, my Mormon friends and I were discussing "the mysteries of the kingdom" and my best friend mentioned that Mary (the mother of Christ) was one of Heavenly Father's wives.

I considered my friend just as expert in the religion as myself, so thinking about her statement...I had a WTF moment.

I felt completely unsettled, my head spinning. I remember scouring church resources for the next day or two until I could reassure myself that the idea she'd presented was false.

12 years have passed.

Recently I was talking with two other exmormons, one of whom left the church about a decade ago, and the other of whom left the church three decades ago. The church is an evolving system, and so of course in some ways a lot has changed since both of them left. I noticed that occasionally one of them would make a statement about church doctrine or cultural belief and I would think to myself, "No, that's not how it is." What I meant was, "I never believed it that way." As if my more current understanding reflected greater accuracy. Sometimes I would even speak up to clarify.

And then I had a revelation. ;)

I am the product of church correlation!!! There actually isn't one "right" viewpoint of the LDS church, its members, its culture, its doctrine. There is enough material for the religion to be experienced and understood in an infinity of ways. Correlation fails miserably because it selects a modern-day bias and utilitzes only supporting material. It cannot unite the historical beliefs within an evolving system.

Now, I realize my childhood friend could have found plenty of material to support the belief that Mary was God's spouse. She wasn't wrong. I wasn't wrong either; but I wasn't "right" just because I found enough material to support a contrary belief. My view was, perhaps, more aligned with modern-day correlation. Not more or less accurate.

Give me some time, and my experiences and understanding will sound "not quite right" to those who leave the church at a later date. Interesting.

Alcohol II

2009-12-12T07:24:00.001-08:00

Okay, I take it back.

Punch made with cran-raspberry juice, sprite, lime juice and vodka is....really yummy. I was skeptical and quite surprised. Suddenly, social drinking makes a lot more sense. Huh.

Fruity drink + good company = some of the most entertaining girl talk I've had in YEARS.

Charity

2009-12-10T11:02:00.001-08:00

Interesting. The three missions of the LDS Church (proclaim the gospel, perfect the saints, redeem the dead) will become the four "purposes," including the latest addition: to care for the poor and needy.

What do you think about it?

Diversity

2009-12-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

Some random thoughts about diversity and cultural affiliation.

RACE
Recently, I read a fascinating article about how race is a cultural construction. In the past race was classified by phenotype (skin color, stature, skull form, facial features, etc). However, no single physical feature is unique to one race. And furthermore, identifying race by a combination of physical traits is just as problematic, since these traits do not go together as a unit.

So, because race is no longer considered a valid biological concept, scientists have moved away from classifying and have focused instead on explaining human biological diversity*.

AFFILIATION/AVERSION
Perhaps since I was a teenage transplant to the state, I never felt that Utah was my home. My reason for moving back again three years ago was social: you know, to find a husband and get the heck out (rolls eyes!). Meanwhile, one of my biggest complaints during the last year and a half was that the culture here was just so "homogenous."

Which brings me to a curious observation. Currently I find myself drawn to individuals who I consider "like-minded" -- exmormons trying to make peace with their past, pursue a new future, and maintain loving relationships with mormon friends/family. Often, we have many things in common. Regarding my Utah complaint, I'm forced to ask myself: did i really want heterogeneity, or did i just want association with a different homogeneity?

PERSPECTIVE
Recently I came across the "Ugly Duckling Theorem," which argues that classification is impossible without some sort of bias. It's a little over my head, but if I understand correctly it implies that homogeneity and heterogeneity are literally in the eye of the beholder -- they depend on what characteristics are being compared.

INCEST vs EXOGAMY
If humans were truly most attracted to those most like themselves, they would marry their brothers and sisters. But incest is a universal taboo - humans everywhere consider some people too closely related to mate or marry (true, some societies are more lenient about intermarriage than others - ancient Hawaiian royalty encouraged brothers and sisters to marry to keep bloodlines pure, and within judeochristian tradition, Sarah was something like Abraham's niece? As for me...when I found out a boy I liked once was my 4th cousin, that kind of gave me the heebie jeebies).

Okay anyway, the idea is that humans promote exogamy - marriage outside one's group. In fact the healthy perpetuation of our species depends on it.

MY POINT
So what do I conclude from all this? We affiliate as groups based on perceived similarities, but that doesn't mean our similarities are exclusive to the group - and they're certainly not uniform. And though we are attracted to people who seem "like" us...it's just as human to seek connections with people who are different from us.

As I've stated before, I'm inspired by the idea of a pluralistic world, in which cultural relativism is balanced with some sort of shared code of ethics. That kind of world only exists if we follow our preferences and continue to divide into groups based on certain shared values or characteristics or whaterver...but it also only exists if we can agree to disagree, and be honest that we prefer some people's ideas (and company?) over others, and not want to kill eachother over it.

*As explained in the article, race still has meaning - in social, cultural, and political terms. Just not biological.

Family

2009-12-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

Madam C. got me thinking when she questionned the LDS Church's reasoning on the purpose of families. She noted that on mormon.org is the question “What’s the point of family, if it all ends at death?” Interestingly, the church's video response neglects to answer this question, but rather makes it moot by asserting that family life doesn't end in death...as if the eternal duration itself is what gives family life worth.

Oh really.

The question and the response are telling. Isn't it interesting to note how a cultural group (in this case the LDS Church) can be so convinced that what gives meaning to its families by default makes everyone else's families seem meaningless?

Because this group can't find meaning without eternal perpetuation, they assume that no one else can either. Also evident here (watch the video above, it's only a minute long) are some unspoken assumptions. 1) Man is inherently selfish and lazy; 2) Man resists having a family because of the work/risks involved; 3) Man is ultimately motivated by external rewards.

Those assumptions (at least about man's aversion to family life) are just not supported by history. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of us (at least) enjoy, value, and seek family relationships without hope of eternal life!

If the church can't answer it's own question, it should at least ask its members the following: "How do others find meaning in family life without our shared view of eternity?" Pondering such a question might serve to foster empathy and understanding, rather than to merely reinforce ethnocentricity ("what we consider meaningful must be universal").

Assigned Service and Socializing

2009-12-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

I had a great conversation last night with an open-minded TBM friend. He asked what I would change about the LDS church (if I could/if I cared). I said I would change the behaviorist approach, starting by eliminating home and visiting teaching, and well, most auxiliary programs for that matter. Here was my reasoning:

By approaching service as a duty/obligation, the church undermines and nullifies instinctive human desires to serve.

I believe that humans (for the most part) are naturally caring. An organization that truly believes this will not "assign" opportunities to love and serve, or require such vigilant accountability. To assign is to assume disinclination. Meanwhile, assigned service is counterproductive. It often feels forced - both on the giving and the receiving ends.

I'm not saying that home and visiting teaching are never meaningful. I'm just saying that I think that love/service would exist without the structure, and would perhaps be more genuine and satisfying.

By emphasizing programs that socially integrate (and keep active) members, the church fosters false connections and inauthenticity.

Web 2.0 demonstrates that we humans don't need to be told to reach out to others, to form connections, to give and receive support. We are innately social beings, compelled to satisfy our needs. The administration of Facebook, for example, doesn't have to tell me when I should spend time interacting with certain friends. I interact with them how and when I want...and always, of my own volition. My social network (real, and virtual) changes over time, according to my needs.

My guess is that, if the church dropped all its programs, the dynamic of membership would change dramatically. There would be fewer lonely individuals sustained by false friendships (you know who I'm talking about). I personally think this would be a good thing. Everyone deserves the chance to seek love, without being deceived by its counterfeit (pity). Also, perhaps more of those individuals less-committed to the mission and objectives of the religion would leave (unobstructed by a church-based social network), but that is because they really don't belong/want to be there! So also, they'd be better off.

I think such changes would help make the LDS church a more authentic place. But I still wouldn't want to be there. And anyway, it's not gonna happen - because over authenticity (heart), the church values its appearance (behavior).

Preferences and Aversions

2009-12-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my therapist was trying to make the point that it is acceptable to "not like" some people. While it is true that there are some people I do not like, I struggle feeling okay about that. So I kind of tend to be in denial.

She brought up food. "Think of a food you don't like," she suggested. My mind went blank. Suddenly I had an aha! moment and giggled. I explained that it was probably difficult to think of anything off the top of my head, because several years ago I'd decided that I should be able to like all foods if I tried hard enough.

That approach has been useful to me. I've discovered that I enjoy a much greater variety than I'd originally thought. But at the end of the day I must admit...I still don't like everything. I don't like oyster omelettes, or pigs blood rice, or animal skin/fat/gristle. Blech.

And furthermore...as yucky as it feels...I don't like some people. Particularly those that (in the words of my therapist) "sh*t on me for the third or fourth time."

While I value and will try my best to utilize an accepting approach - I'd like to try to like all people (and foods!) - I also have to be fair to myself. Part of what makes me me is my own set of preferences and expectations.

This kind of reminds me of our conversation about allowing for cultural relativism while maintaining some ethical standards. I can treat others with empathy and respect, but I should not confuse those feelings with unconditional love, and I should also seek to be honest (with myself) about my aversions.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Feelings

2009-12-01T16:56:00.000-08:00

Out of all the lessons I've ever been taught, one of the most impactful was this (from my first nutrition course in college):

There are no good or bad foods, just more or less healthy diets.

The idea is, it's not so much the individual components that determine the quality of our diet as it is the long-term, overall combination. Related to this concept is the Vicious Dieting Cycle -- in which attaching negative values to foods [desired by the dieter] can lead to avoidance, which feels like deprivation and may lead to binging...which produces guilt...and perpetuates the cycle.

I bring this up because it helps me to understand something I've been learning in therapy. It is this:

There are no good or bad feelings, although there are more or less healthy ways of dealing with them. Or something like that.

After a lifetime of trying to avoid/minimize/mask/deny certain feelings (sadness, anger, apathy, pride, etc) because I assumed them to be inherently "bad" and thus make me unworthy by association...anyway after so long, it has been difficult to reprogram my way of thinking (or rather, my way of responding to such feelings).

Difficult, but so incredibly rewarding!

I find it meaningful to compare my historical management of emotions with the vicious dieting cycle. It makes sense to me to consider my cycles of depression as a "binging" of sorts on all the bad feelings I didn't feel permitted to experience, much less express, for sooooooo long.

Thank GOODNESS for psychotherapy!, and for the chance to learn that whether or not feelings are comfortable - it doesn't make them any more or less valuable. They can all still be experienced and expressed within an emotionally healthy individual.

Gratitude

2009-11-29T08:48:00.000-08:00

In a recent conversation (um, do I start off every blog post this same way??) someone expressed incredulity at the thought of my agnosticism.

"You were always so quick to attribute your blessings to God," she said. "Now, what do you think? That the scholarships* and everything were just...you?!"

This kind of language reveals a common misconception. The idea that, without having someone else to thank, a person can't or won't be thankful. The idea that the godless - lacking someone else to worship - must by default become consumed with egotism.

My life has been filled with kindnesses undeserved, rewards that I've earned, and just plain good fortune. I don't need a god to feel humbled and grateful for all of it. Life is a gift...whether or not there's a divine giver!

*I've only ever had one scholarship. I think it was just the first fortunate thing to come to the speaker's mind and was used as a cloak term to refer to all the advantages I've received.

Blessings

2009-11-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I picked up the newspaper at my parents' house. I started reading an article entitled "Affluence in Utah." It began with the following:

"Utahns are blessed. But some are blessed more than others."

Blessed? Really? In a newspaper??* I stopped reading there, but not without experiencing a bad taste in my mouth. I was reminded of one particular Thanksgiving conversation. Comments were made to the tune of "all that we have comes from God...we don't know why He gives us so much...but anyway we're grateful."

Let me just say that I truly admire the general desire for humility and gratitude in regards to good fortune.** But. The problem with thinking of income/possessions as "blessings" is that it is based on the assumption that there must be a divine will behind/ explanation for why some people have more/less than others.

I just don't like (or agree with) the implications.

Oh, and for the record, I'm poor because I quit my job. ;)

*Of course, it was the Deseret News.
**More on humility/gratitude in a later post.

Interfaith Relationships

2009-11-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Recently my friend asked me if I could date/marry a believing LDS man. Without hesitation I said no. Then she reminded me that love sometimes crosses religious boundaries...

Well, I've been doing some thinking. And I've decided that, if I happen to meet someone "world-wise, socially at ease with people, very athletic, and...sexually confident" who also happens to believe in heaven...

Okay, then I might reconsider. ;)

*Written after watching five consecutive episodes of my new favorite show, Bones. The relationship between the atheist, socially awkward forensic anthropologist and the suave roman catholic fbi agent totally appeals to my austen-indoctrinated romantic sensibilities. *shrug*

Cultural Mormonism

2009-11-27T12:16:00.001-08:00

Last night my brother said he finds it interesting that even though I am a nonbeliever, I continue to use mormon language and allusions to express myself. I think that is an accurate observation, and interesting too -- though perhaps not surprising.

Mormonism is much bigger than participation in a church. Although I've come to reject the authority and objectives of the LDS church in directing my life, the culture is still a part of who I am. In fact, I credit several of the values I acquired via my mormon upbringing (love for humanity, equality, agency, knowledge, etc) with leading me to eventually reject the religion itself. Meanwhile, I still find the ideologies and metaphors of my youth useful for explaining the world...in a generic way (without accepting those ideologies as universally valid or those metaphors as literal). I can still understand life in the context of my former worldview; I just prefer to enrich and modify that understanding with other perspectives.

To me it's somewhat like language and communication. It's not the vocabulary/grammar that has changed in my communication - it's the content. I still speak Mormonese...I just use it to talk about different things now. Perhaps eventually I will have incorporated so much "new" terminology and have adapted my pattern of communication enough that it will sound as if I'm speaking a foreign language...but it's hard to imagine that all traces of mormonism will ever vanish from my paradigm.

Ethnocentrism

2009-11-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

As I was reading my newly-acquired cultural anthropology textbook this weekend, I came to a passage on Ethnocentrism and Cultural Relativism.

The text defined ethnocentrism in this way:

People everywhere think that familiar explanations, opinions, and customs are true, right, proper, and moral. They regard different behavior as strange or savage...The not-quite-people in neighboring groups are...given different names that symbolize their inferior humanity.

Hmmmm, that sounds familiar (ahem)...How I felt as I read this passage reminded me of good old Alma 32. I felt my mind expanding and my heart swelling within me. It's possible I may have even shed a tear? (grin)

So anyway, I had this intensely emotional experience as I read about ideas that connected with, synthesized, and made sense of my own thoughts and feelings. It was an epiphane. I abhor ethnocentrism. I yearn for self-awareness and cultural relativism!

As explained in the text, "one of anthropology's main goals is to combat ethnocentrism." Dude, count me in. I heart anthropology.

11/25/09 ETA: A relevant song from my favorite pair of adorable nerds (sucky camerawork, but I like the song).

Alcohol

2009-11-16T07:11:00.001-08:00

Okay I want to share this somewhere, and where better than my apostate blog. :)

I went to a friend's dinner party yesterday, at which they were serving cocktails before the meal. I decided, Why not? So I had a small glass containing a mixture of red wine (a little), ginger ale (a lot), and some fruit.

I didn't like it.

I took a sip and they asked me what I thought. And what I thought was..."I can taste the alcohol, yuck. Why am I not just drinking ginger ale with fruit in it?"

Well, I drank my glass (it took me a while) for the experience, and when I finished, I asked for water. Somehow, I don't think I'll be much of a social drinker. Virgin drinks are more my style. And I'm fine with that. ;)

Relativism

2009-11-14T08:59:00.001-08:00

Yesterday two LDS friends asked me if I no longer believe in Truth (with a capital T). I responded that while I believe in certain principles and espouse certain values, no, I do not believe in absolute truth. I guess that makes me a relativist, and I feel quite comfortable with that.

I was first introduced to the concept of relativism during my first semester at BYU (10 years ago). In my American Heritage class I learned to view relativism as a helplessly slippery downward slope. For example, I was taught, if there is no absolute rule to define appropriate sexual intimacy (as in, between a legally married man and a woman)...then we may begin by accepting seemingly harmless manifestations of "deviancy"... but next thing you know we'll be permitting pedophilia and bestiality!

Um, fear tactic much? Well, I bought it. And for nearly a decade, I eschewed the appearance of relativism. I was convinced that absolute truths were necessary to keep humans in line.

I absolutely do not believe that anymore. It's amazing, really, how well humans do at keeping humans in line...

Call me an optimist, but I believe in humanity. I believe in progess. Certainly there are plenty of examples from history to discourage me, but in general it is my belief that humans are a self-preserving, welfare-promoting species. Some groups of humanity may pursue harmful lifestyles (you know, like war-faring), but these groups are kept at least somewhat in check by a larger majority that respects life and seeks to promote (or at least be passively in favor of) human rights, are they not? Relativism allows us adapt and change as we gather more knowledge, and meanwhile I do not think it will lead us on a downward slope toward self-destructive depravity.

In fact, it seems to me that the evidence supports quite the opposite: the less the peoples of the world have held to anciently defined moral absolutes, the more the causes of equality and tolerance have prospered.

Competition

2009-11-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

If you couldn't tell, I am disturbed and intrigued by the seemingly antagonistic nature of ideologies. It bothers me that if I state an opinion in opposition to another's, that person will likely become inflamed and defensive. And vice versa. I may be an idealistic sucker, but I want world peace and I want to achieve it without uniformity of perspective/thought.

According to the experts (grin), competition can be destructive:

It is “winner takes all”, the rationale being that the challenge is a zero-sum game; the success of one group is dependent on the failure of the other competing groups.

Hmmmmmm...sounds familiar. As one commenter brought up recently, this undertone of destructive competition manifests in doctrines like that there are only two churches, the church of god and the church of the devil. Polar opposites, one of which must ultimately overcome the other...

Good or bad, right or wrong, [truth or bullsh*t], destructive competition is real. But there is a different take on competition which I find inspiring. An approach that seems supported by evolution: co-operative competition, based upon promoting mutual survival. Of course in nature, resources are limited. It's impossible for every species to survive. Those species better suited than others persevere through natural selection. However - and I'm no expert, so call me on this those of you who know better - natural selection does not result in a gradual reduction of existing lifeforms until only "the winner" is left. Ironically, it actually promotes diversification, does it not? It seems to me that the healthiest ecosystems must be perpetuated by and through their very diversity.

Speaking of religion, I no longer consider the plurality of faiths and worldviews as evidence of apostasy and fuel for destructive competition. Instead, I would like to consider this plurality as evidence of natural selection. Different cultures have developed different ways to approach the world, in direct response to environmental factors and as a means to secure for themselves limited resources. Although historically opposing views have bred much destructive competition, it need not always be so.

My hope is that those philosophies most harmful to the species (ahem) will eventually die out or adapt through natural selection, and those most-suited to mutual survival will succeed.

Apostasy Awareness

2009-11-12T05:22:00.000-08:00

After a brief first bout of inactivity early this year, I tried reactivating myself. The short-lived effort (during April-May) was unbearable enough to convince me that reactivation was neither desireable nor worth it. By the end of July, I felt quite comfortable with the idea that I might never return to the LDS Church.

Meanwhile, thanks to therapy, I was beginning to come out of a period of severe depression and social withdrawal. I was spending more time with friends and family, and enjoying the time. I was able to be open enough with my loved ones to share that I'd become voluntarily inactive, and when they took it well, I was ecstatic. But. I felt the simultaneous need to edit myself while around them, and so I continued to feel a bit stifled. A lot stifled.

By the end of August I felt starved for associations with whom I could be completely open. I finally permitted myself to visit a site for ex-mormons (postmormon.org). It was very exciting and, surpisingly, uplifting. For one weekend and throughout the next week I read all the exit stories I could get my hands on. I joined an online social-networking group for ex-mormons. I began to make new friends. Then I began to blog, and to read other blogs, and to actively dissect and define beliefs and to create a new worldview for myself.

Looking back, I consider my association with ex-mormons and new order mormons an essential step towards approaching mormonism in a more balanced, healthy way. It has been incredibly eye-opening and exciting. I've learned that there is a much wider variety of approaches to mormonism than I'd been led to believe (prior to leaving the church, my view of apostasy was incredibly one-dimensional).

I believe there are others who feel themselves trapped by double binds within mormonism, like I once was. I believe such persons would be hugely benefitted by awareness of the diversity of the ex-mormon and new order mormon worlds. If only they knew there was such a thing as respectful dissent...both for believer and nonbeliever alike!

I don't wish to recruit converts to my new self-described agnostic ex-mormon humanistic approach to life. But, I'd like to reach out to those members who feel stifled by fears of heresy. I'd like to help spread awareness about the diverse, multi-dimensional community of believers and non-believers outside of mainstream mormonism.

Hmmmmm....how to accomplish this....

All-or-nothingism

2009-11-09T21:50:00.001-08:00

In general, I did not as a Mormon adopt an all-or-nothing approach to life. I think I was taught to recognize flaws, while looking also for goodness and truth in most people, philosophies, and institutions. I did look, and I did find.

I think it interesting to note that the balanced approach did not apply when it came to my own religion, however. Either it was all good and true, I was taught, or none of it was. In which case - because of the much goodness and truth I recognized - I felt I could safely assume the former to be the case.

That's a very frightening worldview to have if you're considering rejecting something. Your world is turned upside down. In recognizing any evidence of falsehood, you begin to wonder if everything you ever thought to be good/true is, in fact, quite the opposite. Whereas previously your response had been an unvarying "accept, accept, accept," you worry you are now equally bound to "reject, reject, reject." Faced with such a prospect, you are tempted to retreat. To again turn a blind eye on anything you might disagree with, in order to be allowed to continue to agree with everything else.

It's lovely to finally escape all-or-nothingism. One is thus allowed to think independently, to make one's own measurements, to draw one's own conclusions. One can find a way to accept some things, and reject others.

Joseph Smith

2009-11-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading No Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie. Speaking of the Hurlbut accusations (which resulted in Mormonism Unvailed), Brodie writes:

Realizing that the unchecked rumor-mongering might destroy him, Joseph began an immediate counter-offensive. He collected copies of every affidavit, read them aloud to his followers, and proceeded to demolish them as fabrications of the devil.

How would it be if today, the general membership of the church were exposed to each and every specific accusation against Joseph Smith? I don't think it would destroy the church. Certainly the apologists have a heightened awareness of history, without it destroying their faith. And meanwhile, would members feel less deceived and/or less defensive when they stumbled across accusations and found supporting research?

For example, I did know as a TBM that Joseph had participated in some treasure-seeking, and I also knew that he was supposed to have married at least one woman who was already married (an indirect ancestor of mine). Such things bothered me, but the evidence on the side of Joseph's goodness seemed so much greater, that I didn't give them any thought. Had I been more widely instructed in Joseph's extra-mormon reputation, and in the historical merit for that reputation...hopefully I still would have left the church. But perhaps I would have felt less angry for being kept ignorant?

Obviously, Brodie's is just one point of view. For the most accurate picture, I'll need several points of view. Eventually, I'd like to read a pro-mormon biography of Joseph Smith. It'd be interesting to see how apologists present some of the same facts.

Dating

2009-11-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

Do you know what I think is cool? After over a decade of feeling uncomfortable with certain social mores but submitting to them anyway, I feel completely comfortable setting new rules of social conduct for myself.

On my first post-mormon date, I revealed my true feelings about being paid for. I paid for myself. My date was surprised, but handled it well. And I felt LIB ER ATED! :)

Try and stop me from being me, world.

Sin

2009-11-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with sin (No, this is not a confession!).

First of all: seems to me that belief in sin is CONVERSELY associated with belief in repentance. Consider the evidence within an anti-sin society. Like, the LDS Church. It may claim to believe in both sin and repentance, but look closely and you will see which thing is believed in more (sin).

The repentant are praised and accepted...but those who sin less (or less-visibly, anyway) are praised and accepted more. Is that okay? Well, I'm not okay with that. I'm not okay with visible transgressors being second class citizens (no matter how subtle the classing).

Second of all: belief in sin promotes self-loathing. The sinner has not just made a mistake from which he/she can learn. No - the sinner has defiled self in the process. Unworthy creature.

Third of all: belief in sin perpetuates viscious cycles. Rather than being encouraged to view harmful behavior objectively, desire to repeat past mistakes becomes somewhat mystical. Like, there's this evil man continually whispering to me that I should sin...rather than -- crap I have low self-esteem, and when I have experiences that serve to worsen my sense of worth I turn to self-destructive behaviors.

Glenn Beck

2009-11-03T17:46:00.001-08:00

Today I read this in my missionary friend's email:

"We had a new “gator”, Josef come to church, and he really enjoyed it! I guess they watched some segment in Priesthood about Glen Beck that was pretty good."

Glenn Beck in Priesthood? I just threw up in my mouth.

*sigh* ;)

Added 11/7/09: I think this Glenn Beck video could liven up Priesthood, hmmmmm?

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Health Care Crisis

Contention

2009-10-31T10:22:00.000-07:00

Early on in my visits with my therapist, she helped me recognize a mindset worth challenging. Well, lots of mindsets, but this one in particular. When she asked, "What does love feel like?" I responded, "Love feels like... approval."

Aha. Yeah....that explained a LOOOOOOOOOOT. !!!

And do you know what is lovely about my therapist? She didn't tell me I was wrong, or I shouldn't feel that way. She just asked me the question often enough, that I started to wonder whether that was really how I wanted love to feel, and whether that feeling helped explain why I felt so incredibly cramped and stifled in my relationships. I knew that feeling cramped and stifled was not a part of my vision of how love should be.

These days, I have a new mantra: I think heaven is plurality.

I'm not sure how to achieve that kind of a world, but I believe that the first step in getting there is to recognize the false teachings in statements like these:

"he that hath the spirit of contention is ... of the devil, who is the father of contention"

Oh so it's not because we each experience life uniquely - it's because of SATAN.

"there were no contentions and disputations among them, and every man did deal justly one with another"

Ironic (considering that modern-day justice is achieved through and in response to disputation) and unrealistic (the idea of a world in which everyone innately views the delineation of rights in the same way? without disagreement and discussion? absurd!). The beauty of human interaction is that through communication we can tap into a perspective bigger than our own.

Here is one in particular that I think is ridiculous. It explains the need for proselytizing:

"That perhaps they might bring them to the knowledge of the Lord their God, and convince them of the iniquity of their fathers; and that perhaps they might cure them of their hatred towards the Nephites, that they might also be brought to rejoice in the Lord their God, that they might become friendly to one another, and that there should be no more contentions in all the land which the Lord their God had given them."

Right. Because the fact that you don't like me is indicative of diseased thinking. You're clearly wrong. Only if you see things from MY point of view will I stop feeling hated, threatened. Only if you see things from MY point of view can we be friendly.

In my very strong opinion, the idea that unity/harmony requires conformity is not only flawed but also harmful. It suggests that opposing views cannot peaceably coexist.

I have a hope that they can.

Expressions of Belief

2009-10-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

Every Monday or Tuesday, I get to read the weekly emails of my childhood best friend. She is 29, and serving a mission for the LDS Church. I love these emails. Even though I completely disagree with most of her beliefs, they don't bother me. I can relate to the sentiments expressed; I love her the more for her passion, for her sincere philanthropy. She loves the people she is serving. She is learning to see life from their points of view. That is awesome.

Recently I spoke with my aunt, trying to comfort her in her distress about my new life. Her son is on a mission. I thought, I bet I'd enjoy his letters as much as I enjoy my other friend's. And perhaps this would also help my aunt to feel like she can do *something* to soften my hard heart (hehehe). So I asked her to forward me his emails as well.

Sometimes, hearing the testimonies of others makes me sad. Sometimes, it makes me angry. But more often than not, when the testimonies are being shared by people I love, I listen and feel an increase of love in return. I realize that it makes them feel less helpless, and less hopeless too, if they can talk with me about the things that are important to them. I've also noticed that the less I am bothered by their expressions of faith, the more willing they seem to hear me share what I feel and what I believe.

Even though their words may denote what I now consider to be untrue, their deeper intended meaning is simply, "I love you." It's incredibly liberating to recognize the emotionalism of the mormon faith and not be manipulated by it. I am finally free to receive the "I love you"s, without having to accept the packages they're served in.

Visiting Teachers

2009-10-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

When I moved to my new place in May, I transferred my records, attended the local family ward for a few weeks (a last, half-hearted attempt to find some happiness in the church), voiced my decision to switch back to a singles ward, and then went promptly inactive instead.

Then last night I was visited by two sweet ladies in their sixties.

"We are your visiting teachers!" they said. And they handed me a bag of goodies (Yes!! This is what visiting teaching is REALLY about!). I graciously accepted the candy. I mean, there was chocolate. Lots of it.

"I think you should know: I've left the church," I said.

"Oh, as in you've LEFT-left the church?" they asked.

"Yes."

"Can we still visit you?" they asked.

And for a moment, I was speechless. I even said, "I don't know...!" I thought some more. I knew that I absolutely do NOT want to sit through spiritual messages, but I also knew I don't feel threatened by them. And...then there's the matter of treats. The world needs more of the giving and receiving...of treats (grin).

"Yes, you can visit me," I decided, "as neighbors!" And I invited them in.

And they said nice things (of course I know all about niceness, I was Mormon for 28 years!), like "everyone is free to choose how to believe" and "who are we to judge" and "we are excited for your life" and absolutely no religious rubbish and they asked me about school and work and I asked them about the same and I thought...

I think there is hope. I have great hope for a new age in mormon-exmormon relationships.

And even if there isn't hope? Well, there's still chocolate.

Sexual Repression III

2009-10-28T18:21:00.001-07:00

Sex is only for Marriage....or is Marriage only for Sex?

Before I left the church, I used to wonder how a wedding night could be anything special for a couple who had already been sleeping together.

Ha! In that very reasoning is evident my former emphasis on the sexual aspect of the relationship!!

Now I wonder how wedding nights for virginal idealists - who've kept their passions and imaginations in check - can help but risk being disappointing and frustrating? I mean, I have a hunch that sex is something that gets better with experience, and although inherently amazing-feeling, may actually be uncomfortable for two novices figuring things out at the same time. Or...at least for one of them.

For example, let's say the new bride does not enjoy her first sexual experience. I can only imagine that this would be disappointing, would affect her confidence in herself, could affect her husband's confidence as well, and could negatively affect their emotional relationship...hmmmmm.

Conclusion: I believe a healthy sex life is essential to marriage, and I also believe that marriage is about more than sex. Personally, I would like to start a marriage comfortable with expressing my love physically AND confident that the committment of both parties is about more than a mutual desire to get naked.

Sexual Repression II

2009-10-28T18:19:00.001-07:00

Pornography is Satan's tool....or...just A tool?

Who would have thought I'd change my view on this one!!!

It started about a year ago, when an elementary school principal told me about an educational conference he'd attended. An interview had been shown, in which some horrible criminal suggested that his inappropriate activity had begun with an addiction to porn.

I thought to myself...surely people realize that plenty of individuals view porn on a regular basis without becoming rapists and murderers? I mean...seriously??? We're going to teach people porn is bad -- because some crazy guy liked it and also did horrible things? As if there's a cause-and-effect relationship? Sounds a little sensational to me.

Not to say that I think pornography is not potentially addictive, or potentially perversive. But so are a lot of things, particularly when they are approached for inappropriate reasons. And colored by guilt. Like overeating!! Yep. Reminds me of the vicious dieting cycle...

I watched a movie once in which a main character suggested that pornography is intended not for entertainment, but "purely for functional reasons." That made me think. Is there a function for pornography?

Conclusion: Yes. I think there is. For now, I think pornography can help people to deal with sexual needs, without participating in rash behavior. I do worry a little, that pornographic material might cultivate unrealistic expectations? I would be interested in the research (as opposed to the speculation) on this one. I'm sure there is some.

I think much of why pornography is damaging to relationships is because of the values assigned, which may not be accurate values. For example, if a wife interprets her husband's use of porn as a reflection of her own inadequacy - then YEAH, that's going to hurt! But what about a relationship in which there is mutual recognition of porn as functional (sexual desire can't be satisfied by sex ALL the time, right?), rather than as a reflection of a heart's *true* desire?

I don't know! Like I said, I need to think more about this one.

Sexual Repression I

2009-10-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am concerned about sexual repression in the LDS Church. I believe that some principles, intended to preserve the sanctity of sexual relations, ironically undermine healthy sexuality.

Sexual Curiosity is Unworthy...and so is Sex?

Youth are taught to consider sexual thoughts as temptations which must be controlled and minimized. Indulging in such thoughts is recognized as sin.

What is the result? The natural manifestation of desire becomes a cause for shame and guilt. Even worse, such desires begin to invite disgust. First towards self....and eventually, yes, towards sex in general.

Conclusion: Sexual curiosity is normal!! If restrained, it can backfire into a guilty obsession. If cultivated in appropriate ways, it can prepare individuals for healthy sexual experiences.

Happiness

2009-10-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

As more of my family and friends are learning of my nonbelief, I've received several touching emails/phone calls/etc expressing concern for my happiness, and confusion about the past -- wasn't I happy before? I'd certainly seemed so to everyone else.

I liked a blog I read recently, in which an LDS girl described three levels of happiness. The happiness of the moment, of the short-term past/present/future, and of the long-term.

Those are all levels of internal happiness. It is possible that we can be happy and unhappy at the same time, on different levels. Meanwhile, our internal indicators of happiness do not necessarily coincide with how happy we appear externally (to those around us). I am a cheerful person, and learned as a teenager how to present myself as supremely happy.

Two events helped me to reconsider my definition of happiness, and my internal perception of it. The first was my mission. I came home thinking to myself, "Wow, I did not have a clue what happiness was before. Turns out it is only about half made up of good feelings; the other half is sorrow and misery."

The second event was when my good friend, a returned missionary, left the church and came out of the closet. He began a loving relationship with his partner and seemed very much at peace and happy with life.

Initially, I thought he was perhaps self-deceived about being happy? But very quickly, I realized his happiness was genuine. He was still an incredibly good, sweet, caring person. His relationship was healthy and fulfilling -- not just something carnal and self-gratifying. It really changed my worldview. I'm so grateful to him for his courage and example to me.

Before, I was momentarily happy but felt a nagging sadness. Now, I certainly have my sad moments...but learning to love and be myself with honesty, self-direction, and integrity has brought a joy and hopefulness that feels long-term.

Hate

2009-10-20T17:46:00.000-07:00

A friend suggested that this blog breeds hate and negativity.

I wondered if that were true. And if it were, what are the implications?

Hate: a feeling of dislike so strong it demands action.
Hate: to dislike intensely; to feel antipathy or aversion towards.

Do my posts reflect hate, so defined? I would have to admit they do.

Do I hate the Mormon church? I guess so. I feel an antipathy so strong that I took action - I left. I even started posting my thoughts for the public.

Do I hate Mormon people? Absolutely not. Maybe a few individuals, but in each case it's not their mormonism that makes me "hate" them.

Do my posts encourage hate? Probably. At least in those who feel strongly one way or the other.

Do I encourage the actions of hate? Some actions I would like to encourage. Critical thinking, yes. Leaving the church for those who don't agree, yes. Other actions - hurtful actions, like violence against people, or depriving them of their right to believe what they want - I do not condone.

I appreciate the commenter who helped me consider "hate" in my life.

Now, onto negativity. There are definitely different schools of thought on this one. I used to think of feelings in terms of positive/negative, good/bad. For example, hate = negative = bad.

I no longer view feelings in the same way. Anger, for example. I am learning to view anger as neutral. We all feel it occasionally. Is it the anger that is bad? Or is it certain destructive behaviors anger might motivate that are bad?

With that perspective, I am learning to view myself...sometimes I feel sadness (but I'm opposed to self-destruction), sometimes I feel anger (but I'm in favor of different viewpoints), and sometimes I feel hate (but I'm trying my best not to be mean or coercive).*

What do you think?

Of course, there is no denying that my post "Hypocrisy" included some mean, derisive words. But I wouldn't take them back - they describe very well how I was feeling. So maybe I can't say that I'm trying not to be mean...? Or that honesty trumps meanness? Hmmmm...will have to think on that one.

Honesty

2009-10-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

The best part of my post-mormon life has been the honesty. The honesty with my family, with friends old and new, with coworkers...

and most of all, the honesty with myself!!

It's ironic how much more honest I feel, considering that the value is supposedly so important in the LDS church and in christianity in general. Yet, somehow, my mormon interpretation of "honesty" turned into: trying to admit and be only good things on the outside, while seeking to crush and deny everything "unholy" on the inside.

For example. Perhaps, somewhere deep down in my soul, I might have felt a dislike for some person. An outsider might ask, "Do you dislike so-and-so?" The honest answer would have been a simple yes. But my morals would step in, and remind my brain that to dislike a person is unchristian, and so my response would probably have been something more like, "Oh no, I don't dislike her. We just see things differently, and she has her reasons and her good qualities of course."

Do you see how, after a lifetime of this kind of dishonesty, a person could become weighed down by the stifling grip of [religious] political correctness? To say nothing of the learned incompetence at identifying true feelings?

Yes. It was exhausting! :)

Mormon Men

2009-10-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

I would like to qualify what I said in my last post about the superficiality of Mormon men.

It was a huge overgeneralization. But a stereotype with, I think, some substance.

When I was seventeen, my sister and I were the only active LDS kids in our high school. So I had plenty of opportunities to discuss my faith with my peers. One day, my friend Jesse said to me, "Sarah, there are only two things that guys think about: beer, and sex."

I felt sad for Jesse. I had evidence - quite a bit of it - that some men thought about more than just beer and sex. My father, my brother, my brother-in-law. The 150+ elders serving in my dad's mission. Former bishops, Sunday school instructors, church leaders I admired...all of whom were virtuous and good.

A few years later, as a 21 year-old, I had a particularly wonderful bishop. Glenn White. One of the kindest, most sincere men I've ever known. I still love that man. At the time, I dated little, and was often discouraged to find myself disappointed in the LDS young men I associated with at BYU. I took comfort in realizing that I was mistakenly hoping for the quality of a 50 year-old man - like my bishop - in a 20-something year-old kid; and was that really fair?

Of course, over the next seven years I became increasingly disillusioned with the mediocre putzes so prevalent in my singles wards. I began to rebel - sure there were some great Mormon men - but they seriously all seemed to get married by the age of 23. And why should I be stuck with the lame-o leftovers???

I also became a bit disillusioned with the married Mormon men. Their wives (especially here in Utah) were so generally cute, and fit, and fun, and...adoringly chipper. BLECH. And while women like me do very well in the church...we're honestly a bit threatening or overwhelming to most of the men. So we end up...like Sheri Dew. More blech.

So, what do I think now.

Honestly, I think Mormon men are so pressured to be pure and above the lusts of the flesh, that they begin to think they are. And they begin to believe it truly is the spirit which is guiding their attractions to women...who happen to be hot and submissive. Liars.

Also, I think Mormon women are idealized for their dependence on and semi-worship of men...and where does that leave the women who struggle to be dependent?

Give me the men of the world, who can admit their horniness. And who can be man enough to not feel intimidated by my ambition or need to make sense of the world.

Hypocrisy (EXPLICIT LANGUAGE)

2009-10-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I read a blog in which an accomplished, faithful LDS young woman - a lawyer, about my age, about my size - told of her father's encouragement that she lose weight ("I have been praying about this" he says...), and of her own [heart-breaking] conclusion that he was inspired.

She has decided that, in order to increase her chances of mortal happiness, she will just have to be hungry and restrained for the rest of her days...

I have never wanted to say the F word so badly.

I am going to say it.

Fuck a culture that tells the world it sees with God's eyes...and in the same breath tells its women they'd better watch their figures or they may not deserve companionship in this life ("Guess if you want to eat that chocolate cake so much, you'll just have to wait 'til death to find marriage, family and happiness...too bad for YOU!").

What a load of C R A P.

I'm not saying we women shouldn't try to be attractive, but I detest Mormon men who think they are so much better - they are god's gift to the world - when they are the most superficial men I know.

Book of Mormon Authorship

2009-10-12T19:20:00.001-07:00

[I should say up front that I have no strong opinion on the origin of the Book of Mormon, but I think there are some compelling evidences of 19th century authorship/theology/theory]

Listened to some of Craig Criddle's presentation at the Postmormon conference. Got a little bored and didn't watch the whole thing, but I did some googling and found this journal article from his studies. Interesting stuff!

My next move is to google the apologist response...

*Update* Ok here's one.

I thought he brought up some good points, that made me want to take another look at the study findings. I found it interesting though that Mormanity seemed to think Criddle et al. should have analyzed for Joseph Smith's style too - because he doesn't believe Joseph Smith wrote the Book of Mormon anyway, right?

**Update2** And here's another apologist response. With a bit of back-and-forth debate in the comments, which I got too bored of to read all the way.

Stereotypes and Half-truths

2009-10-09T17:29:00.001-07:00

(Couldn't help but copy Andrew's idea, and post a response of my own. It was therapeutic!)

I believe Elder Hales is a good and well-intentioned person, I really do. I honestly believe that he and other leaders of the church believe with all their hearts, and have trained themselves to see everything in such a way that it all supports and reinforces their worldview. I believe that, because of personal experience, and personal acquaintance.

But, I also believe they are misled.

And, in Elder Hales' most recent conference talk, I feel that he is perpetuating negative and inaccurate stereotypes about nonbelievers, as Truth.

1. Secularism = darkness

E. Hales decries the deepening "darkness of secularism." (And darkness, as we are taught, is bad.). Secularism is defined as a set of doctrines which reject religion. If secularism is wholly dark and evil, is religion wholly light and good? Of course not. Any educated person knows that much wrong has been done (and ignorance fostered) in the name of religion. Sometimes religion is or does bad. Is it possible that the converse is true as well, that secularism might even occasionally be a force for good?

Condemning all of secularism seems just as unfair as celebrating all of religion. Certainly there are good, AND BAD, things about both religion and secularism (its own kind of religion).

2. Questionning is bad

I was surprised when he said, "Belief in God is widely questioned and even attacked," -- as if questionning belief is on the same continuum as attacking belief. Really? Was I not taught that it requires asking questions for truths to be confirmed? I maintain that questionning is a neutral action, a prerequisite to both belief and nonbelief.

3. Attack = disagree with?
I think Mormons deserve clarification on what "attacking" means. I agree that attacking the belief of others is inappropriate. However, "disagreeing with" should not by synonymous with "attacking." I worry that sometimes that is how it feels to a people who see things so differently from the rest of the world.

4. Without belief, life is pointless

Ironically, in my own experience, de-emphasizing the life after death has made this life - the here and now - seem even more meaningful! Has heightened my desire for satisfying relationships with family and friends NOW. At the same time, I find that the collective progress of humanity takes a new priority over my own personal progress. It seems more important to use my life to further the well-being of my race, and less important to think so much about using my life to further my own salvation and that of my intimate acquaintances.

5. Without moral obligation, there would be no charity

I find that humans naturally love and care about others. Sure we care about ourselves too, but we are not without morality or charity just because we are without religion.

As Elder Hales stated, we believe as we do because of how we feel. I am saddened that so many half-truths are couched in an otherwise feel-good message, leading believing listeners to accept the inaccuracies part and parcel with the "good" stuff.

The Eye of Faith

2009-10-07T19:13:00.001-07:00

I have always thought of myself as a rational, open-minded person. But looking back on my life, I see that I used two sets of glasses. The clear ones for viewing the world and science; the rose-colored ones for viewing my religion.

Of course, at the time, I described use of the latter as "viewing with an eye of faith."

What are some characteristics of using rose-colored glasses? At least two:

Focusing almost exclusively on the positives
Refusing to consider or explore the negatives, considering such to be "not very useful"

What are some consequences of using rose-colored glasses?

Unrealistic (idealistic) expectations
Taking personal culpability for experienced disappointments

I've never been in love myself, but I think that most wise people who have would discourage me from viewing a prospective lover exclusively through rose-colored glasses. Everyone has his flaws. In fact, isn't that one of the most beautiful things about love - seeing a person for who he/she really is, in all their human weakness, and loving them just the same?

This helps me to understand how I've so completely fallen "out-of-love" with the LDS Church. I was raised in an environment in which ugliness and humanity and inconvenient truths were continually brushed under the carpet. Flaws? What flaws? The perception of flaws was merely an indication of my own unworthiness, or lack of faith.

When I finally had the courage to take the rose-colored glasses off, I realized I was in love with a glorified ideal that was quite unlike reality. And rather than finding a lovably-imperfect-anyway reality, I found something that was incompatible with my personal values and desires.

And I couldn't, or wouldn't, put the rose-colored glasses back on. If I will love something, I will see the good and the bad and the ugly, and love all of its flawed self.

Lehi's Dream

2009-10-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

In Elder Holland's talk last weekend (yes, after reading all the buzz, I watched it too), he spoke of Lehi's dream. He described the faithful as valiantly pressing forward, in spite of the mists of darkness and jeering taunts of the world.

I thought how my experience leaving the church could be characterized with the same imagery. I well know the confusing darkness of cognitive dissonance, and how giving up one worldview is bewildering and completely disconcerting! I also know of jeering taunts. Although my friends and family have been very kind and surprisingly supportive, they embrace an idealogy that portrays people like me as proud, foolish, or at best...misled (referring again to E. Holland's discourse).

During the past week, I had several opportunities to explain my departure from the faith. By the end, I felt a bit drained...but also surprised. During the last couple months, as I have discussed my new path with the people I care about, I have not yet had a single experience* I would describe as contentious! I wonder why...

*Note: Actually there was one pretty negative reaction from a close loved one, but I'd already forgotten because the individual called to apologize a day later and all of our interaction since then has been open and loving. Also, one person I don't care about was a bit rude, but...I think her response was irrelevant because she had no clue what was really going on, she just read some hints on my blog and jumped to some conclusions without seeking an open dialogue.

Puritan Roots

2009-10-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a vacation, during which I enjoyed revisiting Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. I found so many parallels to my own religious experience:

1. ON VIRTUE - Many women believed that only fear of punishment would support human virtue (p. 45).

2. ON JOY - Hester (the adulteress) rejected most joys as sin (p. 70).

3. ON GUILT - Mr. Dimmesdale "attributed all his presentiments" to his own sin. In other words, he blamed his dislike and distrust for Hester's husband on his own guilt and shame, refusing to believe that the other truly harbored him any ill-will (p. 117).

3b. Hester tended to explain away (justify) the sins of others, or take the blame upon herself (blame for her daughter's wildness, her husband's consuming hate, her lover's self-destruction) (p. 140).

4. ON SELF-CONCEPT - Mr. Dimmesdale tended to view others as saintly, and himself as depraved. Hester too is continually self-denigrating, accepts and even encourages the holier-than-thou condescension of others as deserved.

5. ON REVELATION - There was a tendency for persons to find plenty of individualized "revelations" (p. 128):

"It was, indeed, a majestic idea, that the destiny of nations should be revealed...on the cope of heaven. A scroll so wide might not be deemed too expansive for Providence to write a people's doom upon...

But what shall we say, when an individual discovers a revelation, addressed to himself alone, on the same vast sheet of record! In such a case, it could only be the symptom of a highly disordered mental state, when a man, rendered morbidly self-contemplative by long, intense, and secret pain, had extended his egotism over the whole expanse of nature, until the firmament itself should appear no more than a fitting page for his soul's history and fate."

Similarly, I think that Mormonism is characterized by a view of humans as more depraved than virtuous (natural man), and that it is better to deny oneself than to feel pleasure (a word which is treated with such disgust!). From my own experience, I know that I became an expert at feeling compassionate toward other sinners but abhorence only for myself, blaming myself wherever possible for any negative treatment from others (or at least blaming myself for letting it that treatment hurt/upset me). And of course, Mormons are encouraged to see the hand of God (and direct, specific individual guidance from him) everywhere. Hmmmmm....

*Page numbers refer, of course, to a particular edition. In this case, the Barnes & Noble Classics printing in 2003.

Loneliness

2009-09-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

My friends and family are still scratching their heads about me, but I'm pretty sure they would generally agree on one thing: I left the church because of loneliness.

And they are right...mostly.

I did leave because of loneliness, but not until I realized it wasn't a disease in and of itself. It was a symptom.

Several years ago I listened to a book on tape by my favorite apostle (Elder Eyring). He shared a story about a boy who had strayed from the gospel. He asked the boy when was the last time he had felt lonely? And the boy was surprised to realize it was while he was at some party with his "friends." For whatever reason, while at this party, the boy remembered a childhood bonding experience with his mother, and felt lonely.

The point of the story, I think, was that the things of the world won't satisfy our emotional needs.

Hmmmm. I had a loneliness epiphany too. Only, mine came in the middle of a gospel-centered life, also surrounded by "friends." For me, I finally connected my loneliness with underlying beliefs that 1) I would always be loved more for my conformity than for my individuality, and 2) My needs and desires should rank way below those of everyone else I truly love.

I still don't really believe in a life without loneliness. Isn't that part of the human condition? Yet, I believe it's really important - and telling - to investigate why we're lonely.

Agency, Really

2009-09-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

"It is not the mind of heretics that are deteriorated most, by the ban placed on all inquiry which does not end in the orthodox conclusions. The greatest harm is done to those who are not heretics, and whose whole mental development is cramped, and their reason cowed, by the fear of heresy." -John Stuart Mill (as quoted by Deborah Meier in Educating a Democracy)

Just before I came to reject the church, I began to consider the paralyzing fear I had of doing so.

I remembered something I'd been taught about agency. According to Spencer W. Kimball, “If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.”

And yet. I began to realize that leaving the church was never really a viable "choice," because 1) I'd feel miserable and guilty, 2) I'd become depraved and purely hedonistic, 3) I'd become arrogant and hard-hearted, 4) My family would be heart-broken, 5) I'd go to hell. Where was the agency in the face of such consequences?? I had NO choice!

Sure, there was a back-door out (engaging in some carnal sin, and then seeking to justify it)...but I'm not a back-door type of person.

Thankfully, as I made my way out anyway, I began to realize that the consequences I'd expected as set in stone were really just bluffs. I wasn't miserable. I didn't become consumed by passion and carnal lusts. I felt an increase of love and compassion, for myself and for others. My family was sad, but did not reject me. I knew that the god I believed in would not condemn me to hell for seeking emotional health and happiness.

I am a firm believer in these words of Meier (from the same article mentioned above):

"Even where a mainstream view (consensus) exists, alternate views that challenge the consensus are critical to the society's health."

Disclosure

2009-09-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Today I spent some time with a good friend who is very active in the church. During our conversation, we spent some time discussing my "departure from the faith." She was puzzled, because she and I share many similar views. Including views which I describe as "newfound." She wondered - how come she can hold these views completely comfortably as a devoted Mormon, while I apparently could not?

I couldn't explain why. Even when I tried to explain, she didn't understand. And she won't understand why I felt or feel the way I do, without ever doubting her belief. Nor, honestly, would I ask her to.

I have noticed that I often feel inept when it comes to explaining my position to my friends and family. I believe that is because there are certain "pieces of evidence" I do not share with them. Why? To be honest, I don't see the point. I know exactly where they're coming from, I know what they have to lose, and I know how they will react. I've been where they are. When I was in their shoes, no amount of evidence could have made a difference in my faith. I just wasn't ready for it.

I don't love my Mormon friends/family any less for not seeing things the way I do. I think that eventually they may be surprised to find...they don't love me any less either.

Permission

2009-09-24T17:52:00.001-07:00

I always loved foreign languages. I studied German in middle school. I began to learn Spanish when my family moved to Puerto Rico. When I applied for college, my intended major was German Teaching. But throughout the rest of my senior year, as I contemplated my life's purpose, I felt conflicted. How would German Teaching help me prepare for my divine role as a mother?

By the time I arrived at BYU in Fall 1999, I had selected a more appropriate path: Home Economics Education. In theory, I'd be preparing for a just-in-case career. But all the while, I'd gain practical preparation for my future as a SAHM.

My second semester of college, my courses included a couple generals as well as German, two Spanish classes, and some introductory Home Ec class. German and Spanish were pure fun. In Home Ec I realized I would not last long. I could care less about sewing and crafts. I adjusted my route - I'd focus on nutrition. There'd be no more time for frivolous language learning. Instead, lots of excellent preparation for motherhood.

As a sophomore in college, I frequented the International Cinema - free on-campus viewings of foreign films. I saw the Chinese film "To Live," and absolutely fell in love...

I felt a desire to study Chinese, and prayed for affirmation that it was an acceptable desire. I was so pleased to receive a positive response! Two years later, I finally squeezed Chinese 101 into my schedule.

Oh dear heart, it makes me ache a little...to think how I always felt like I needed permission to follow you!!

Spirituality

2009-09-23T17:01:00.001-07:00

When I was a kid, I didn't get spirituality. I remember wondering at the powerful emotions described and manifested by testimony bearers. I came to the conclusion that some people were just born spiritual, and others - like me - weren't.

Of course when I became converted as a teen, I realized that spirituality wasn't just a natural trait -- it could be developed.

So, I developed it. I think I can say I excelled at it.

On my mission, I continued to be very spiritual. But somehow, I felt very empty.

I began to observe that spirituality did not equate goodness. In fact, spirituality began to seem a deceptively comforting imitation of goodness.

I began to ask myself...Is it comfort that I seek? Or do I want something more?

Now, I view spirituality as utilitarian. I can understand why it is important, and desirable, to so many people! It served a purpose in my life, and...it no longer serves that purpose. I want something more.

Personal Metaphors

2009-09-21T21:19:00.001-07:00

I am continually reflecting on my "exit story." I don't think I can see it clearly yet. But I can definitely identify three novels that in some way contributed to my journey. I love these books. They each became so personal to me:

1. Oscar and Lucinda, by Peter Carey
I could completely identify with the character Oscar. [Well, except for the compulsive gambling bit.] Anyway, he believed whole-heartedly in the religious paradigm he inherited from his father. Yet his commitment to that very paradigm led Oscar to reject his church, to leave his father, to justify self-destructive behavior, etc. etc. The writing is intriguing and poetic, and I highly recommend it.

2. One of Ours, by Willa Cather
The end of this book lost me (I got bored), but the beginning provided an excellent treatment of one man's transcendentalist yearnings. I loved this quote:

"Ruin and new birth; the shudder of ugly things in the past, the trembling image of beautiful ones on the horizon; finding and losing; that was life..."

I agree.

3. Life of Pi
METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE. :) For the past six months, I felt very much like a girl floating to who-knows-where, drifting further and further from everything I'd known and loved, meanwhile accompanied by a tiger that demanded my constant attention or else I might get eaten alive.

Isn't it interesting how and where we find metaphors to help make sense of our lives? Who would've thought a girl like me would have discovered so much of herself in the stories of a pious compulsive gambler, a discontented midwestern youth (okay, maybe that's not such a shocker), and a ship-wreck surviving lion-taming Indian boy.

Well, probably the authors.

Who is God

2009-09-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

"But every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god..." - D&C 1:16

I was walking to my car after counseling on Thursday, marveling at the counsel I'd received, marveling at the beauty of the earth, and contemplating my belief in God.

As my belief in the LDS Church has unraveled, so has my belief in Christ. But I haven't been able to shake my conviction that God exists. He seems very real to me. He is good, and kind, and patient, and understanding, and loves me completely KNOWING my thoughts and motives and actions.

Then, I had an epiphane. My view of God = my view of how I am, or at least my view of what I am becoming. How convenient is it that he has always wanted me to be happy and helped me make decisions that I was convinced would promote my happiness, whether or not aligned with anyone or everyone else's convictions...

My god may share characteristics of others' gods, but the complete package is unique. I thought of other people, and their individual takes on God's personality (for example, some people believe God is more jovial than others). I thought of the church, and how the view of God (or at least the characteristics emphasized) has changed throughout history as well.

Is it possible that all theists - believing mormon and otherwise - are really just following after their own gods?

The Way to Judge

2009-09-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

A Feeling

As a child, I was taught how to judge by how I felt inside. Good thoughts/actions yield good feelings. Bad thoughts/actions yield bad feelings. Easy enough.

My younger sister and I often fought. When we fought, we would pinch and shove. I never felt good about it. Eventually, I learned how to restrain myself physically. That felt good.

But then I grew up. I studied the doctrine. I became "wise." I learned that knowing/living the truth was not as simple as feeling good - that wasn't "enough." Plenty of people felt good, but they did not recognize or seek the truth!

The Right Feeling

When I was living in Taiwan, I went to my roommate's non-denominational Christian church one Sunday. As the congregation stood and sang, I could feel some very positive emotions. As the pastor gave his sincere message - to a very attentive, earnest congregation - I thought to myself sadly, how easy it is to be decieved by emotions! At the time I believed that what everyone was feeling was just that - emotion.

In contrast, I thought of LDS meetings. Quiet, routine, almost monotonous...and full of the Spirit, of course! Nearly imperceptible, except to the truly humble. That was the beauty of it.

The way to judge, I determined, was not by having good feelings. It was by having the right good feelings. Which required a whole lot of humility and/or study to recognize.

Desire

As a twenty-three year-old seeking for happiness, my efforts seemed frustrated. I determined that I should pray to God to know if I should stay in Taiwan (to get married) or go back to school (to get married). One particularly unhappy night, I poured my heart out about this question. As I finished, I had two thoughts.

First: "It's not the time for me to get married."

Second: "It's time for me to go on a mission."

I was distraught. Neither was the answer I wanted. How could I be sure the message was from God and not me, that I wasn't just predicting my own worst fear?

I had learned well enough that feelings were tricky and deceiving. So I turned to Moroni 7. I reviewed the well-known teaching that "every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ;...it is of God." My heart was heavy, but willing. I couldn't deny that the prompting to serve a mission would lead me to do good and love god. I accepted it as his will for me.

Works (motivated by faith)

By the time I became a missionary, I had determined that emotion was not wholly reliable. Throughout my mission, I gained more and more evidence of this.

But I clung to inner desire as the true indicator of right and wrong. In myself, I could identify true desire by self-evaluation against the scriptures (as I had in deciding to serve a mission). But what about everyone else? How could I help others to have faith in a pattern of living, if they couldn't reliably distinguish between good feelings and the right good feelings?

I found the answer in the words of Christ: "By their fruits ye shall know them."

So when I visited a young inactive family, and I wanted to give my strongest argument for the gospel, what did I fall back on? Feelings? No. I testified that the gospel must be true, and I knew it was true, because it brings out the best in people.

And at the time, I really believed what I was saying. I believed that the restored gospel, as contained in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, truly made the best of people.

And it all falls apart

My progressive understanding of how to judge ironically led to the undoing of my own faith. As a missionary, and then as a returned missionary, I became increasingly aware of the fruits of the gospel in my life, and in the lives of others. I didn't like what I saw. Which led me to become increasingly less-satisfied with those fruits, and less-convinced that the best fruits were really so exclusive to the church.

Return to the Basics

When I first began to consider that maybe my faith in the church was mistaken, it was terrifying. How would I be able to judge? If I could no longer judge rightness by acts (worthiness for temple recommend, etc)...and I could no longer judge rightness by spiritual promptings ("I feel strongly that I should do this, even though I have no idea why")...how could I continue to be a good person?

I've returned to the basics. I will seek to do more of the things that help me feel good. I will seek to do less of the things that cause me to feel bad. I will seek to discern between external definitions of good/bad and those that are true to my personal conscience.

Amazing how simple, and how much more emotionally honest that feels.

Eternal Happiness

2009-09-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today a friend asked me if I thought it would be worth it to endure a degree of unhappiness now, in order to obtain a greater happiness after death. I said NO. Here is my reasoning (within the context of the gospel paradigm):

1. I believe that now is eternity. If I were to die now, I believe I would be the same person. I believe I'd possess the same desires. The same happiness/unhappiness. If I'm unhappy now, how could I suddenly be happy after death? Which leads me to...

2. I believe that happiness is a state of being, not a result of the presence or absence of some external conditions. I have been taught that it doesn't (or shouldn't?) correlate with the presence of positive things, or the absence of negative. If that is true, and I still believe it is, happiness does not come from being rewarded, correct?

So if I can't be happy now, in spite of the many reasons I have to rejoice, will I be happy in eternity - just because of more reasons to rejoice, and fewer reasons to sorrow?

3. I don't believe in a god who would require [years of] unhappiness in order to grant happiness. Some unhappiness, yes, but long-term misery? No. (I should say I believe good can come of that sort of thing, but we shouldn't have to feel there's no escape from it.)

Instead, I choose to believe that the time to find happiness is NOW. It is this life! And if we can't learn to be happy in this life, then...well, I don't know what. But I'm afraid we might miss the point.

Making Sense

2009-09-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

In my pre-apostasy world, everything added up. Everything fit together like a perfect equation. I could take a few variables and an outcome and, with enough time and education and the right perspective, make sense of them.

Why are some people good and some people bad? Because the bad people sin.

Why don't all good people believe the same things? Because their ancestors sinned.

Why is it fair for people to be judged in terms of good and evil after death, if they aren't all taught the truth? Because that will be taken into account, and they all have a conscience which if followed will lead them to the truth, and furthermore, those people will get another chance.

There was a logical explanation for everything! Well, not exactly. But for everything that didn't make sense, the operations of "the wisdom of God appears as foolishness to man" and/or "if one part is right, the WHOLE thing must be right" or something along those lines usually did the trick.

The fact that things could always be worked out was very comforting. It was secure. In fact I would say security was the dominating emotion in my life. It was so important to me that I mistakenly interpreted it as synonymous for happiness.

Until, of course, I realized I was miserable.

After twenty-eight years of reasoning everything into making sense...I realized I was very secure, but not really happy. I also felt incapable of dealing with variables and factors and operations that didn't seem to fit in my increasingly-complex equation. I longed for a different, more real kind of security...in which everything didn't have to add up for me to feel okay.

Dreams

2009-09-13T10:17:00.001-07:00

I'm leery of so-called spiritual manifestations, but my family does have a history of dreams. For example, my father had a dream about his mission president and wife before he ever met them. And here's a story from my own recent history:

About six months ago, my sister called me on a Sunday evening. She told me that she'd had a dream about me and couldn't put it out of her mind.

In her dream, she and I were together, preparing to go on a jog. Then suddenly I told her that I'd decided not to go anymore and abruptly left. It was getting darker, she had her baby with her, and she was worried and confused about why I'd left her.

The events in her dream may seem random, but they impressed her, and as I listened, they felt very metaphorical to me. "So, are you okay?" she asked.

At first I asserted that I was, but my mind was reeling. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wasn't okay. I was miserable. On top of that, I had stopped going to church a few weeks earlier and was grappling with the knowledge that I didn't want to go back and what did that mean?!

But my sister's dream-induced concern seemed connected to my feelings, and so it gave me courage. I honestly wouldn't have imagined that my sister (or anyone in my immediate family, for that matter!) would be receptive to what I had to say, but the dream seemed to me a divine indicator of a safe sounding-board. I started to cry (relieved to be able to talk to someone!) and told her I'd stopped going to church, etc. Apart from my roommate who couldn't help but notice my inactivity, my sister was the first to know I was "going inactive."

We proceeded to have an amazingly-connecting conversation. Since then, I've been able to talk with my sister in a way that I haven't been able to with anyone else (besides my therapist). She is a great friend and listener.

This experience was part of why it was hard for me to disbelieve the gospel as I'd experienced it. But eventually I had to admit that Mormons certainly don't have a monopoly on meaningful dreams. So where do they come from I wonder...?

Being Offended

2009-09-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

When I was baptized, my Jewish neighbors attended and gave me a present. It was a silver cross pendant with chain. My first reaction was horror - in my child eyes I viewed the symbol as evil! Thankfully, I was also old enough to know my neighbors meant well; they just had a limited understanding of our faith. I worried about how to respond, guessing they might feel badly knowing that I would not appreciate their gift. I was embarrassed for them, but not offended.

Throughout my life, I was taught (and believed) that the Christian way was not to take offense. As one LDS apostle has recently stated, "It ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."

Yet as an adult, I often wondered why it was not okay to be offended by words/behaviors directed at me (whether intentionally or not), but it was okay to be offended for God's sake by the "immoral" words/actions of others? For example (I'll try to keep this light), many people seem to feel they are rightfully offended when others swear, or take the name of the Lord in vain (especially in their presence).

Seriously?? What if those using the phrases do not believe them to be offensive, or (for example) have never been taught the Lord's name, used casually, is believed to be offensive to him? Aren't individuals only judged in accordance to what they've been taught?

I honestly never felt virtue leave my being when SOMEONE ELSE employed a phrase that to them seemed harmless and colloquial and was not intended to be blasphemous. Sometimes I was shocked, of course. But I didn't understand why members felt so miffed by the behavior - which to me indicated only that the perpetrator was not as well-instructed on "appropriate language" as I.

If man, in his weakness, is strong enough (and understanding enough!) that he can choose not to be offended...would not a god be even more capable to choose when to be rightly offended or not, especially with his full knowledge of the intentions and educations of his finite-minded children? Do you believe God needs to edit the lives and conversations of his ignorantly "offensive" children, in order to tolerate them and maintain his own purity?

I don't.

Membership

2009-09-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

As I read stories of others like me who've finally recognized and addressed their sense of cognitive dissonance within the LDS church, it seems that most paths lead to excommunication or individual resignation.

The thought that my path will lead me to some similar outcome makes me sad. I am proud of my Mormon heritage. I credit my noble parents with inspiring me to love and respect mankind, to seek learning, to value goodness, and to be true to my conscience in spite of opposition.

I feel so grateful to them, and to my progenitors who likewise chose to follow their consciences and seek what they understood to be a greater good, in spite of social rejection, trials and failures, and probably their own fair share of cognitive dissonance. I love my LDS friends, the most Christian of whom bring credit to themselves and the Church by continuing to love and show kindness towards me, in spite of their misgivings about my decision.

Someday I may find my name removed from the membership records, but a part of me will always be Mormon and fiercely proud of it.

4 Letters

2009-09-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've published four letters written during the last month or so, declaring and/or explaining my decision to leave the church. The first is addressed to my family. The other three are responses to three different friends who asked me via email to explain.

I'm fortunate that the recipients of all four letters have been kind and loving and supportive, even though they all disagree with my decision to leave.

Letter #1

2009-09-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A few years ago, while on my mission, something in my heart started to change. I felt dead inside. I came home, and tried to be the person I thought I was supposed to be. But I continued to feel unhappy and lost and apathetic, and less and less desire to be around other people.

After a particularly confusing and emotional week recently, I went on a bike ride and ended up stopping at [my aunt and uncle's] house. I started to cry as soon as [my uncle] invited me in. I hadn't really intended to go there, but there I was, and I felt maybe he could help. We talked about several things, and I finally asked him about the history of mental illness in our family. I felt comforted after talking with him, that maybe there was more to my experience than just over-indulging in self-pity.

Two days later, I met with a therapist at the University of Utah. This was something I'd wanted to do for a while (and had talked to [my social worker cousin] about two years ago), but never felt I really deserved or could afford. Fortunately, it is much more affordable for university students. Anyway, the intake counselor and my assigned therapist both said that my symptoms indicate depression. That seems unreal, or exaggerated. Part of me still thinks I am just making this into a bigger deal than it is. But I know, if only because of my shizophrenic missionary companion, that mental illness is real. I know I want help. And my counselor has been so compassionate and supportive.

It's only been a month or so, but the weekly sessions are a highlight of my week. It has been such a relief to talk about the things I feel without fear of judgment or criticism. As a result, I have felt more desire to be open with you about my decision not to attend church.

I understand that this will be disappointing to you. That is hard for me to swallow, because I don't want to be a disappointment. But I hope you will try to understand that I am still me, and I still have good desires, and I think I am a good person.

I am not angry with God. I feel he has continually supported me and blessed me and comforted me and guided me and given me great opportunities to learn and grow. I don't feel that he is punishing me. As I walked out after my first visit with a counselor, all I could do was offer up my gratitude and marvel that he would help me.

I still believe many of the same things. I want to live a clean, moral life. I want to love my brothers and sisters. I want to do good and be better.

But right now, when I go to church, I do not feel good feelings. I don't like many of the people there, I don't agree with the things they say, and I don't like how I feel when I'm around them. I know exactly what you're thinking when I tell you this. I know what you want to ask me to do. You think I should be humble. I'm sorry. I am choosing another path right now.

You probably don't want me to feel pain or lose the blessings of membership in God's kingdom. I am asking you to let me choose. Please, let me choose for myself.

I love each of you and hope you will understand.

Letter #2

2009-09-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Dear [Friend],

Sorry it's taken a few days. It really means a lot to me that you would care what I am thinking and feeling. One of the things that has come up as I've met with my therapist is that I've felt uncomfortable for a really long time feeling the way I do and talking about how I really feel. I'm trying to build my communication muscles. :) So, thanks for listening.

I am not sure how to tell the story of coming to this decision. I think many things have contributed. The struggle to find balance between fanaticism and apathy. Being burned out from church service, including multiple simultaneous callings, on multiple occasions. Recognition of manipulation as manipulation, however well-intentioned. Disagreement with certain common practices, including some proselytizing techniques.

And throughout most of my life, a feeling that I wasn't quite like other members of the church, or didn't want to be exactly like them anyway.

When I went on my mission, it wasn't because I wanted to, it was because I felt it was what the Lord wanted me to do. I was willing - so it was my choice - but not really my desire, you know what I mean? In some ways I was excited, in other ways I was quietly resigned. What I truly wanted was to get married, I think you probably knew that. Of course I'm grateful now I didn't get married. And I went. And within less than six months, for a lot of different reasons, I began to feel dead inside. I think now that I was dealing with depression. But at the time I felt guilty and ashamed of what I felt and tried to minimize it or keep it hidden. I came home from my mission and picked up where I'd left off, trying to be the way I thought I was supposed to be. But the depression got worse, and I had absolutely no desire to read my scriptures anymore.

I continued to go to church, of course, because not going was wrong and not an option (even now it seems really unreal). During the last year, I felt more and more uncomfortable associating with other members of the church (AT church, and church functions). I began to feel more and more that not only did I not want to be around them, I did not want to be like them.

And finally, I stopped going. Although again, I was kind of in denial.

About a month and a half ago, I started getting counseling. It has been wonderful for me. The sense of relief at being able to express myself to someone without worrying that they would point out all the things that I am very much aware of (the signs of apostasy, and pride, and sin, and personal guilt) was IMMENSE.

Like I said, it feels unreal to be "inactive." I'm not sure how temporary or permanent my decision is. All I know is that I want to be healthy, and honest with myself and others, and I want to have personal integrity.

You asked if I feel happier now that I've stopped going. I do feel happier, but I don't think it's because I've stopped going per se. I think it's because I'm making an effort to understand and deal with my pain and sorrow, rather than trying to ignore, deny, or mask it.

For example, this week I had a break-through. As I talked with my therapist I realized I had always felt other people's love for me was conditional on me being a certain way. Some responses to my declaration this week seemed initially to confirm my fear, and that was painful. But as the week has progressed, the overall response from the people I care about most has been overwhelmingly and surprisingly and humblingly positive. Like you. And like my dad, who read my email and called me to say he was proud of me and supported me in whatever I decide.

You asked if I could be satisfied with giving up happiness (referring back to my blog post I think). The truth is that I don't believe God grants happiness in an all-or-nothing way. Even with the depression or whatever, I've always felt a level of happiness. I have several friends of other lifestyles and faiths, and I see that they have their own happiness too.

The kind of happiness that I experienced or that I felt that I could hope for when I was doing my best to live the gospel was ultimately not satisfying to me. That feeling of unconditional love and acceptance that I just mentioned above, regardless of whether I measure up to the hopes and expectations of others, THAT brings me great happiness. I feel liberated. I feel more free to choose according to my own desires.

Wow, this is quite an epistle. Thanks for letting me share and explain. Thanks for worrying and caring and for being my friend.

Love,
Sarah

Letter #3

2009-09-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

September 1, 2009

Hi [Friend],

I first stopped going to church in February. Started again in April, stopped again in May. The "why" goes back at least three years. The brief positive experience ultimately couldn't make up for my long-term lack of conviction. I basically haven't been reading my scriptures (except for rare spurts) since right after I returned from my mission in April 06. And everything else gradually followed, as I expected (but couldn't really imagine) that it should. The gospel wasn't superficial for me, it WAS me - it was the lense through which I perceived everything. So for a long time, I couldn't conceive an alternative to a life in the church - until I finally admitted to myself (the second time around) that I actually felt more miserable going to church than not going. That I didn't WANT to go.

I've noticed myself becoming progressively less religious since mid-way through my mission. Yet, I didn't see God's blessings in my life decreasing one bit (which confused me). I continue to feel known, loved and blessed. The day I decided to seek counseling I believe I was inspired and guided.

I started counseling in July. As I left after speaking with the intake counselor in my first visit, I felt an immense sense of relief and hope and conviction that God knew my heart and was willing to help me. All I could do was pray my thanks. When I met with my assigned counselor for the first time a few days later, I felt as soon as I saw her that she could help me.

I consciously chose not to go through LDS family services. To be honest I think there are plenty of the philosophies of men circling among the members of our church but accepted (and taught) as precepts of our faith. To me it is much safer to meet with someone AWARE that what he/she is teaching is philosophy/theory and colored by personal bias, than to meet with someone who is just as biased and philosophical but who fails to recognize the line between what is human and what is divine.

Luckily, my counselor does very little talking or teaching anyway. Mostly she does a whole lot of asking. She asks a lot of questions about what I experience, how I feel, and what I think, and I get to practice putting my thoughts and feelings into words, without fear that she will tell me I am saying/feeling/thinking things wrong, or that all my problems stem out of selfishness and pride (which is what I've believed my entire life). It's a new experience for me. It's helped me to be more honest with myself and with my family, which has surprisingly resulted in my enjoying being around them more than I have in over a decade.

I know what I am risking. Yet to me, it is worth it. 28 years of not feeling that I deserved happiness is long enough. In my opinion I don't know how to be emotionally healthy within the church. I can imagine how it feels to read these words, considering the strong faith and conviction you feel. I'm sorry if it makes you sad.

At least I hope you know you have always been a kind friend, and you were very much what I needed and an answer to prayer in high school. I hope our friendship can continue!

Letter #4

2009-09-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

September 1, 2009

[Friend],

I also suck at regular correspondence. I wasn't really writing for a response anyway; I just wanted to say thanks! Not that I don't appreciate a response. :)

I don't think it's rude for you to ask why [I've left the Church]. In fact, I rather like when people care about why! And I like it a whole lot more than when people want to try to fix me, now. Because the why is a lot more complicated and has been in process for a lot longer than just now.

Which is a long way of saying, sure I'll tell you why. :)

Simply put, I don't consider myself emotionally healthy or happy. I'm no nutcase, but I look back on my life and see a recurring cycle of depression. I have usually found ways to cope with it (generally by becoming more physically active and/or almost-fanatically zealous about the gospel). Part-way into my mission I again began to experience a profound depression. But I knew I was trying my hardest to be a good servant and love and follow the spirit, so I felt guilty and ashamed.

I became progressively more unhappy, and by the end of last year I hated how I felt at church (bitter and angry). I didn't want to feel bitter and angry. So in February I stopped going. After a month and a half I decided to try again (family ward), but eventually...I just couldn't handle that either. I felt like I couldn't think clearly at church. I still feel like I can't think clearly, but I've been seeing a therapist (since July) and that has been wonderfully helpful. I feel safe with her. She is the only person besides God to whom I feel like I can reveal my true self. And she is helping me practice recognizing and communicating how I actually feel, rather than just how I think I SHOULD feel.

I am proud of my heritage and my LDS upbringing; I'm grateful for my faith and my relationship with God. I believe in Christianity, and in living a virtuous life. But I don't like who I became within the Church, and even though there are many wonderful people who I love and admire, I'm not so sure I would want my children (if I have any) to grow up in that environment either.

Anyway, that is the short version. Thanks for asking!