"Diverging Wills"

I read this Church News article right before bed last night, and then found myself too upset to sleep. I'm pretty sure it was written by some well-intentioned but idealistic, ignorant kid who is a lifelong Utah Mormon. Not only does the author not have a clue about the hearts of apostates, who leave for MANY reasons, she also describes the pre-Mormon lives of new converts as "empty." Just, wow.

There is a laughable disclaimer at the end, "Please don't use this as an excuse to judge others." That makes about as much sense as saying, "I will show you how to judge," and then following it up with, "But judge not, lest ye also be judged."

Oh wait, that's already been done.

Anyway, if what was written was presented as a personal opinion, I wouldn't be so pissed off. It's the fact that is is presented in an official LDS publication.

Since I couldn't sleep, I emailed this response to churchnews@desnews.com:

I was recently directed to the article "Diverging Wills" in the April 16th edition of the Church News and found the article to be arrogant, simplistic, and very disappointing in its contrast of a "new believer" and a "once-believer." I believe the Church News can be a force for good, and I am concerned because of the effect articles like these have on earnest, humble readers of the Church News who accept these messages as inspired by God. One such reader is my mother.

I am a once believer and an ex-member, striving to maintain good relationships with family and friends, the vast majority of whom are active and devoted members of the LDS Church. In contrast to what was suggested in this article, my leaving the church has helped me to find greater enjoyment in social connections with these very friends and family. Yet, although my journey out of the church has coincided with a recovery of my emotional health, my family is blinded to this reality because they are taught this cannot be so. They reason to themselves that my happiness is temporary, pleasure-based, and that my life course is on a path to self-destruction. The reality is that I have become happier than ever - and NOT because of indulgence in the "pleasures of the flesh," but because I am learning how to deal appropriately with my emotions and I have greater willingness to follow an internal rather than an external moral compass.

For years, as a devoted and believing member of the Church, I was continually troubled because of my unhappiness. Because of teachings and articles like this one, I believed that my unhappiness could only be explained as due to my pride and selfishness. Thankfully, I finally had the courage to question whether there was more to my misery than those two factors. Through counseling, I was finally able to achieve something that my spiritual life and religious practice could not achieve: I began to like myself and feel hope for my future.

I know there are many people who find that the church helps them to be happy. But others of us do not have the same experience - and it is simply not fair or accurate to make a blanket statement that it is because we "stopped recognizing, appreciating and nurturing the fire of the Spirit," and made selfish and poor choices in our weakened state. How naive! How offensive! What a lack of empathy and understanding!

Please have compassion on us and on our families! Please help our loved ones who are members to STOP feeling responsible for our salvation. I have had to tell my mother that the more she tries to "bring me back," the less I want to be around her. I want my husband and children and MYSELF to be loved for who we are, not pitied for who we're not.

Please help our families to consider that the happiness of their no-longer-believing loved ones is not an illusion based in carnal pleasures of the flesh. That idea is offensive; it is hurtful. It is untrue. This teaching makes it hard for them to trust their own sense of things. It makes it almost impossible for them to be happy for us when we are happy. Instead, they want to mourn with us when we are NOT mourning.

Please, please think of the impact of your words before publishing them! Please help build bridges with "once believers" by helping members to accept us for who we are.

I love the "I am an Exmormon" video series, and today I saw my absolute favorite video so far. This beautiful German couple sharing their journey out of the church.

Even better than the video (which is great) are their written exit stories. Henning's story was pretty much a parallel of my own thought journey, and both he and Maria pretty much nailed all the issues on the head. Eloquent and powerful. Follow the link and take a minute to read them if you haven't already!!

Happiness Outside the Box

I've been thinking about happiness, and I was surprised to realize that even as an atheist, my understanding of how to achieve happiness is practically unchanged: in my opinion, happiness comes through cultivating deep, loving relationships and by living with purpose and integrity. True when I was a Mormon, and true now.

So, why was I unhappy as a Mormon if I defined happiness in the same way? What has enabled me to achieve happiness outside the LDS Church, rather than within it?

When church teachings were combined with my personality, I ended up restricted in the following ways:

1) I felt limited in my opportunities to love.
Looking back, I see two main areas in which this was an issue.

• I felt a sense of duty to be a giver and not a taker. I think this inhibited my ability to achieve true intimacy (both platonic as well as romantic).
• I felt limited by my role as a woman. Although I tried to be attractive (in every sense of the word), tried to put myself "out there," and even asked guys out occasionally, I felt it was inappropriate to actively seek after the kind of romantic relationship I desired (and subtlety was NOT my game either).

2) I felt limited in my opportunity to live with purpose.
As I understood it, my purpose in life was to prepare for motherhood, find my eternal companion, and raise children to the Lord. Preparing for motherhood was no problem, but I felt powerless to fulfill the rest of my purpose and found it difficult to feel satisfied in the meantime. I felt like the clock (and my personality) was against me.

3) I felt that it was more important to be true to ideals than to myself.
It was not until my mission that I truly began to sense cognitive dissonance, or internal disagreement with what I had been taught to believe. For the next several years, I continued to conform but felt less and less emotionally connected to/convinced of the rightness of the teachings I had spent my life conforming to.

Through counseling, I became empowered to let go of shoulds. I began to tear down my emotional walls, to seek after the kind of relationships I wanted (regardless of what anyone else thought), and to truly live with integrity (that is, I began to see the superiority of following an internal rather than external moral code).

I learned for myself that happiness comes through principle, and not through context. That is how I know that it is not the state of "being Mormon" that makes some people good, and others bad. That is how I know it is not sexual orientation or a wedding which makes love and sex appropriate or not. That is how I know that things like alcohol and pornography are not self-destructive in and of themselves (it is how/why they are used).

The most astounding thing to me about the journey has been how difficult it is for others to relate the post-Mormon me with the Mormon me. In most ways, I am the same person I have always been. What has changed is my devotion to "the box," or one proposed model for the context of happiness.

Exit Interview

This will be long, and possibly not interesting even for posterity-sake, but for myself at least, here is an accounting of my "exit interview":

Over a month ago I emailed the LDS Church my resignation request. A few days later I received usps confirmation of my request, along with the explanation that the matter would be handled by my last local bishop.

Two or three weeks passed and I still hadn't heard anything. So, I looked up my old ward and the phone number for its bishop. I called and explained to him (very cordially) that I had been told he would handle my resignation and I just wanted to know what the next step was?

But he told me he had actually sent my information to the bishop of my current local ward (don't know why the COB didn't do that in the first place, since I'd included my new address in the email, but whatever!). So, I looked up the information for my current local ward, found some phone numbers, and was finally able to track down my local ward bishop.

When I reached him, the local bishop and I also had a polite phone conversation. He said he'd just received my information and asked if we could meet. I agreed. I knew I didn't need to, but I kind of wanted to meet actually. And I'm glad I did. It was actually a satisfying, cathartic experience.

The Meeting
I was worried he would ask if we could start with a prayer, but he didn't. He asked me how things were going. I asked if he meant in reference to the church, or about life in general? He indicated both. In reference to the church, I gave him the short story:

I was the girl who always attended every church function and served in leadership positions. I tried to be 100% obedient. I began to feel especially unhappy soon into my mission, but knew that made no sense because I was trying to do everything "right." So I ignored it, or made sense of it only by reasoning that I was being too selfish and/or too proud.

For three years my unhappiness persisted and worsened. I ultimately decided to stop going to church, because I didn't like how I felt there. I didn't like how I felt about the people in my singles wards either.

Of course after I stopped going to church I didn't feel any happier....

Until I started counseling.

At this point the bishop indicated that he was glad to hear that, and that it seemed my unhappiness had not been my fault, and was likely due to more "clinical" reasons. I agreed.

I continued by explaining that within two or three months of therapy, I felt happier than I'd ever felt before, and that has continued to this date. Through therapy, I was also able to understand why I had been so unhappy in the church. I realized that while I recognized many good teachings and principles, there were several others that I found harmful and that I disagreed with. For years I had thought I was the problem, but through therapy I was able to recognize and know myself and feel confident in my personal views.

The bishop asked how things have gone with my family. I was happy to report that I have excellent parents and great siblings who have tried their best to understand and support me. He seemed glad. I explained that it is continually up and down, as the situation is still new for all of us, and I am sad that I cannot have the kind of relationship that I would like with them, but it is what it is - and it's better than it was before, since I am more honest and they are learning who I "really" am.

Throughout the visit, I felt the bishop was sincerely interested, thoughtful, and respectful. He truly approached the conversation as an exit interview; he never tried to dissuade me or condemn my decision. I appreciated that. I did not hide the fact that I am active in the exmo community online and that after leaving the church I also learned more about church history and have several disagreements with how church affairs have been conducted. But he merely listened, and didn't say anything judgmental.

He asked if I am happy and I said that I was. I wonder if he believed me. I'm sure he at least hoped that I am.

He asked me what my issues had been early on, and how he could help others with similar issues. I said that the first thing I recognized as bothering me was that I considered the church environment to be manipulative. I said that, for example, I thought it would be healthier if youth were taught to recognize their own feelings and questions and to explore them rather than to suppress them. I think when they are told what they do or should feel it pressures them to conform to the thoughts and feelings termed to be "appropriate."

I also said that I felt it would be more honest if the church did not make such an effort to "whitewash" history. He did agree that in recent years more information seems to have come to light which puts a more human spin on church founders (Yay internet!).

I lamented the general depression I sensed among sister missionaries in my mission.  I talked about my relationship with a few close LDS friends, and how we're able to be open and honest about our views with eachother because we respect the other's beliefs and don't feel the need to persuade/convince. I talked about how I feel they are able to do something that people like me cannot do - believe in the gospel but live it according to personal conscience rather than according to every literal word of church leaders.


He asked what he might learn from me to help others, so I also gave a few other suggestions, like:

• it would be great if people like my mother didn't have to feel guilty or responsible for the choices of their adult children (he agreed)
• it would be great if people didn't think that all people who left the church were destined to live self-destructive lives (he agreed, saying that some people stay in the church and live self-destructive lives - a gracious concession)
• it would be great if young women were taught that they could find happiness in ways other than simply being wives/mothers...(again, he agreed).

He gave a few indications that he thought perhaps things would have been different for me had I not ended up in Utah. Perhaps.Though I'm glad things worked out the way they did.

He asked if there were values I'd gained from the church that I felt I would take with me. I said that I definitely feel that way, integrity being foremost. When I told him about my plans for the future (career/family life) he said he expected me to have an interesting experience and to do good. He said he thought I would probably live my life very much like a member, just outside of the church. I laughed and said that in some ways I would, but in many ways I felt quite differently about the approach to take. Still, I said, I will likely have Mormon friends and family throughout my life and see great value in those relationships.


He said several times that the door was always open whether or not I was a member. He said that should I need help at a future date (i.e. welfare), the church would be there to help. I think its the last place I would go (not that I plan to need help anyway, but I agree one never knows), but I thought that was gracious of him anyway.

As we parted, I felt so touched that I actually felt a desire to offer my services (Hey, if you ever need a Spanish translator for a ward member...). But I also knew that there are plenty of other venues where I can give service, and I didn't want to give the wrong impression, so I kept my mouth shut.

As I walked away, I did shed a few tears. I was pleased with the experience, and simultaneously happy and sad for myself. Sad for the persistent sorrow and the bitterness and the hurt and the feelings of betrayal and the years it took me to get to this place; happy to be trying my best to move on; and happy too to be reminded of the general goodness of the LDS people I know.

The irony strikes me. For years I had to remind myself that the people weren't perfect but the church was. Now I have to remind myself that while the church isn't perfect so many of its people are trying their best to seek after love and goodness.

My exit interview was a metaphor for some of the most important lessons I've learned about life and myself: This man was gentle, and loving, and supportive, and so many good things - but I've finally learned that 1) the good to be found in the church is a fruit of the good people in it, and not the other way around, and 2) their approval is irrelevant to my personal happiness.

Behaviorism

Will behaviorists never learn that GUILT does not build character???

And yet they persist.

Good luck marrying off all your single, good-time-having, sexually-repressed, not-so-young men into emotionally satisfying unions with women who don't feel victimized in the least though.

*sigh*