Brigham Young

Brigham Young sure ran his mouth, didn't he. Not only do I find his views generally repulsive, it seems to me he wasn't very good at making prophecies. Here's just one piece of evidence, from BYU's very own website:

"Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race -- that they should be the "servant of servants;" and they will be, until that curse is removed; and the Abolitionists can not help it, nor in the least alter that decree. How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them, and they never can hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam's children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain can not receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood."
-"Intelligence, etc." by Brigham Young, General Conference 1859

If only Mormons were required to read general conference talks from 150 years ago. THEN would they feel a little more prompted to reevaluate the whitewashing of their history?

The Ghosts of My Past

Today on my ride home from school I thought about how far I've come in the last two years and I felt happy.

Two years ago I had just stopped going to church, I was depressed, I felt confused and hopeless and powerless about the future. I felt alone. Once I started going to counseling, my life improved by leaps and bounds.

Today, I am living the life I want. I have found the love of my life; he is smart and sweet and goofy and responsible (in his mother's words, he is truly a mensch), full of integrity...everything I need. Even his family is too good to be true. On top of that I have been accepted into the doctoral program of my choice; I am healthy; and most importantly I simply feel empowered to seek after the future of my dreams.

But then something reminded me of my life before. I started feeling powerless again. Powerless to have the kind of communication and connection I want with Mormon friends and family. Powerless to feel at peace with their beliefs, which seem so inextricably connected with memories of my past and current pain. Powerless to change the choices and attitudes of my past. Powerless to be able to never think about Mormonism again.

Critics of exmormons are always saying they don't understand why we can't let it go.

Let it go?!? Oh, how I wish I could!!

For me, Mormonism wasn't a hobby. It wasn't a phase. It was ME, it was MY LIFE, it was MY WORLD. For 28 YEARS. And even having tried my best to free myself, it seems like it will always be there: present in my relationships with loved ones, haunting my memory, coloring my worldview!

Mixed Feelings

I finally started my resignation process this week. It was as easy as an email. I sent the email Monday night and Friday afternoon received acknowledgment (in the mail). Apparently my last bishop has to contact me to take care of my request (I'll give him a few days, and then maybe I'll look up a phone number and contact him to speed things along).

My lovely cousin is getting married today (in the temple), so last night I attended a pre-wedding dinner for family and friends. I had the opportunity to catch up with one of my few non-believing cousins (out of 22 grandkids on this side of my family, there are 3 of us I think). She had no idea I'd left the church, even though I've been out for going on 2 years (and open about it for 1.5). I even ran into her as Dave and I were leaving a pub recently, and I guessed by her reaction then that she didn't know what to think. The funny thing is, I know my parents have had conversations about me with her parents/siblings, but apparently this kind of information doesn't get passed on to the inactives, lol.

So it was really nice to be able to talk about some shared feelings/experiences. At the same time, we were surrounded by TBM loved ones and I had this underlying worry about offending them if/when they overheard our whispers. Like, a couple times the four of us (my cousin and her partner, and me and my boyfriend) made drinking jokes, and my little sister (RS pres in her singles ward) looked a bit disturbed. And it bothered me - not in the, "I feel offended that you're offended" way, but in the, "oh crap, there I go offending people again" way. I think that is a remnant of my Mormonism.

I had a great time at the dinner, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with visiting cousins today, but - after coming home last night, I couldn't help but cry again. I just feel so disconnected from my immediate family. I hate that who I am, and what I believe, and how I feel - is an offense to them. I long for the approval that I really think a non-Mormon family would give me. Personally, I'm really proud of myself - I've chosen integrity over pleasing others. I'm healthy, both physically and emotionally. I'm in a loving, committed relationship. I'm working towards a doctoral degree.

So it simply inflames me to know they think my life is a train wreck, and that I'm morally depraved!

It's stifling to know that for the rest of my life, as much as I want to be close to my family (both immediate and extended), doing so means I will continue to be reminded of how angry I am at Mormonism, of how I feel so robbed by it. This bitterness is the thorn in my flesh.

Moral Superiority

Last night I read the headlines about BYU’s suspension of Brandon Davies.  At first I was amused, noting the scurried clarification that Davies’s suspension was not due to criminal activity. I laughed. And then I thought about it some more, and my blood began to boil. I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I was troubled by the highly personal nature of the infraction, and by the pharisaical self-congratulation of those who agreed with BYU's decision. I was reminded of my own experiences, of my own departure from the “Honor Code” of my youth, and of my subsequent treatment by my former tribe.

Of course I understand that Davies knew the rules, agreed to the rules, and accepted the consequences administered. But I cannot help but recognize, quite clearly, the underlying message:

Our morality is superior to yours.

Davies was classified, in effect, as an infidel. No longer worthy to be part of the team, and even more significant - no longer worthy to receive higher learning.

As a child, I was taught to love all people and treat them with respect, even those who disagreed with me. I was taught that I was blinded by my own humanity and thus unable to know completely the hearts of others. I was taught to leave the judgment to God.

But when I departed from my faith, the judgment was not left to God. 

From the people who had taught me, “Judge not, that ye be not judged” - I received words of condemnation.

By the people who had taught me, “Love your enemies,” and “Go after that [sheep] which was lost,” - I was ignored, avoided, and often defriended without explanation or attempts at reconciliation.

By the people who had taught me, “Whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain” - I was told that my choices rendered me no longer deserving of their help.

By the people who had taught me, “Let them worship how, where, and what they may,” – I was insulted for voicing my opinion and was asked to refrain from sharing that opinion with others.

The morality I have observed is different from mine, but it is certainly not superior. At the end of the day, we are all human.

To BYU and the people of the LDS Church, I say:

You can kick us off your team, 
but in the end you'll find you're only hurting yourselves.