I finally started my resignation process this week. It was as easy as an email. I sent the email Monday night and Friday afternoon received acknowledgment (in the mail). Apparently my last bishop has to contact me to take care of my request (I'll give him a few days, and then maybe I'll look up a phone number and contact him to speed things along).
My lovely cousin is getting married today (in the temple), so last night I attended a pre-wedding dinner for family and friends. I had the opportunity to catch up with one of my few non-believing cousins (out of 22 grandkids on this side of my family, there are 3 of us I think). She had no idea I'd left the church, even though I've been out for going on 2 years (and open about it for 1.5). I even ran into her as Dave and I were leaving a pub recently, and I guessed by her reaction then that she didn't know what to think. The funny thing is, I know my parents have had conversations about me with her parents/siblings, but apparently this kind of information doesn't get passed on to the inactives, lol.
So it was really nice to be able to talk about some shared feelings/experiences. At the same time, we were surrounded by TBM loved ones and I had this underlying worry about offending them if/when they overheard our whispers. Like, a couple times the four of us (my cousin and her partner, and me and my boyfriend) made drinking jokes, and my little sister (RS pres in her singles ward) looked a bit disturbed. And it bothered me - not in the, "I feel offended that you're offended" way, but in the, "oh crap, there I go offending people again" way. I think that is a remnant of my Mormonism.
I had a great time at the dinner, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with visiting cousins today, but - after coming home last night, I couldn't help but cry again. I just feel so disconnected from my immediate family. I hate that who I am, and what I believe, and how I feel - is an offense to them. I long for the approval that I really think a non-Mormon family would give me. Personally, I'm really proud of myself - I've chosen integrity over pleasing others. I'm healthy, both physically and emotionally. I'm in a loving, committed relationship. I'm working towards a doctoral degree.
So it simply inflames me to know they think my life is a train wreck, and that I'm morally depraved!
It's stifling to know that for the rest of my life, as much as I want to be close to my family (both immediate and extended), doing so means I will continue to be reminded of how angry I am at Mormonism, of how I feel so robbed by it. This bitterness is the thorn in my flesh.