Today on my ride home from school I thought about how far I've come in the last two years and I felt happy.
Two years ago I had just stopped going to church, I was depressed, I felt confused and hopeless and powerless about the future. I felt alone. Once I started going to counseling, my life improved by leaps and bounds.
Today, I am living the life I want. I have found the love of my life; he is smart and sweet and goofy and responsible (in his mother's words, he is truly a mensch), full of integrity...everything I need. Even his family is too good to be true. On top of that I have been accepted into the doctoral program of my choice; I am healthy; and most importantly I simply feel empowered to seek after the future of my dreams.
But then something reminded me of my life before. I started feeling powerless again. Powerless to have the kind of communication and connection I want with Mormon friends and family. Powerless to feel at peace with their beliefs, which seem so inextricably connected with memories of my past and current pain. Powerless to change the choices and attitudes of my past. Powerless to be able to never think about Mormonism again.
Critics of exmormons are always saying they don't understand why we can't let it go.
Let it go?!? Oh, how I wish I could!!
For me, Mormonism wasn't a hobby. It wasn't a phase. It was ME, it was MY LIFE, it was MY WORLD. For 28 YEARS. And even having tried my best to free myself, it seems like it will always be there: present in my relationships with loved ones, haunting my memory, coloring my worldview!