Self-Trust

When I was a kid, my mom used to make assorted cookies to give to friends and neighbors for Christmas. One year my teenage brother was in charge of the no-bake cookies. When no one was looking, he substituted onion flakes for some or all of the coconut.

The no-bake cookies had always been my favorite. But that particular year, I remember biting into one and tasting something...off. I told my mom. I still remember the conversation pretty clearly, although I think I was fairly young at the time. She told me I was wrong. There was no off flavor. They were fine.

I was confused. But, well, I had to admit they were still pretty damn good...what with the fudgy chocolate and all. And mom said they were fine, so...I kept eating them. Lots of them. :)

It wasn't until a few days later when one of my neighbors made a comment to Mom that she realized they were a bit onion-y!! She was mortified. My brother was punished (he had to go door to door to apologize to everyone who'd received some). And I was vindicated. But I'm pretty sure I kept eating them. By then I was used to the onion...and chocolate is chocolate.

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It's always been funny to me, remembering back, and realizing that I knew something was "wrong" - I can still remember the taste! - but I trusted my mom's as the final word, and anyway...I was crazy for sugar.

As I've said way too many times before, when I left the church, it was because the "fruit" had been tasting off to me for a while and I just couldn't stomach any more. As far as I knew, it was not the fruit's problem. It was just a matter of taste.

It was months before I could acknowledge to myself that no wonder the fruit tasted wrong - the tree was diseased!

I know that sounds harsh. Admittedly, I know some Mormons who recognize the off-flavor and skillfully find a way to avoid consuming the bad parts or know how to spit them out. That's cool with me.

But I feel sad for all the people who believe it when they're told there IS no off-flavor, and who eat a fruit they don't love until they're so accustomed that they can't imagine anything better.

Means and Ends

I've been thinking about consequentialism. As I'm somewhat of a relativist, it's probably not surprising that I'm also an "end justifies the means" kind of girl. But I always have been...

My friend and I were talking recently about why each of us left the LDS church. I left ultimately because I didn't like the "ends" of mormonism - the fruits of the gospel and culture. My friend left because he didn't agree with the "means" of mormonism - the actions taken to establish that gospel and culture.

Honestly both of us dislike the means and the ends (understatement!)... and both of us came to the same conclusion (that we wanted to dissasociate ourselves)...but one aspect was particularly motivational when it came to accepting or rejecting the church. I accepted, and later rejected the church for consequential reasons (it fosters happiness...oh wait no, it destroys happiness!). He accepted, and later rejected the church for deontological reasons (it is pure and correct...oh wait no it is machiavellian and corrupt!).

I think that distinction is fascinating! How do each of us prioritize means and ends, and how do those priorities color our relationships with mormonism (or worldview of choice)?

Letting Go of God

This week I saw Julia Sweeney's "Letting Go of God." It was wonderful. I expected it to be interesting, but it was more than that. Engaging, intelligent, thought-provoking, moving...oh, and HILARIOUS.

I won't say more than that, just see it if you get the chance!

Sexuality

From The Sexual Life of Savages by Bronislaw Malinowski, 1929* (emphasis added):

"To the average normal person, in whatever type of society we find him, attraction by the other sex and the passionate and sentimental episodes which follow are the most significant events in his existence, those most deeply associated with his intimate happiness and with the zest and meaning of
life.

To the sociologist, therefore, who studies a particular type of society, those of its customs, ideas, and institutions which centre round the erotic life of the individual should be of primary importance."

The "average normal person," I love that. Anyway, obviously the wording would be different today, in recognition of those attracted to their own sex. But I am intrigued by the general idea and I wonder...to what extent is our [chosen] philosophical/religious affiliation motivated by our personal views of romantic love/sex?

Was my decision to leave the LDS church ultimately a sexual one? Is it most signficant because of how it will affect (or rather allow for) my attractions/romantic relationships?

Uh....perhaps? ...in a vastly oversimplified way? ...Sure.

Hmmmm, what thoughts do you have?



*a required text for my current anthropology class, "Family, Power and Society"

Counseling

I think I'm done with counseling. I almost can't believe it. In seven months my therapist has helped me achieve what 28 years of religious education failed to do: to begin to understand the nature of my own personal happiness. And, to stop hating myself.

I feel that I still have a long way to go, and I have no doubt I'll seek counseling again in the future. But for now, I just want to keep applying what I've learned. Including:

1) Feelings are not good or bad; they are informative.
2) The more information, the better.
3) It's important to find a balance between emotion and rationality (rather than becoming too one-sided).
4) Identifying the "risks" of certain actions is helpful for understanding/overcoming inhibitions
5) "I don't know" doesn't mean "I don't know."
6) There is a difference between thoughts and judments and feelings
7) I don't need someone else to tell me the right way to be/feel/speak (aka There is no rule book for life/love)
8) Manipulation is manipulation, no matter how well-intentioned
9) There is a difference between knowing how to care about someone and actually liking the person
10) It's not so important what I believe as it is why

Those are just a few things I can come up with off the top of my head. Truly, I can hardly remember the wreck I was less than a year ago.

So yeah, I'd just like to say I have a testimony of psychotherapy. I know it's true. ;)

my decreasing ability to comprehend the endurance of mormonism

Soon after I realized I didn't believe in the LDS church (September 2009), I talked with a fellow exmo on the phone. He has been out of the church for 5 years. As we talked about Mormon friends and family, I expressed my sadness that no one else of my close acquaintance would likely ever leave the church. I was surprised when fellow exmo countered that actually, 1)he had several friends who'd left the church since he had and 2)he didn't think it at all unlikely that many more would follow.

At the time I couldn't comprehend such an idea. It seemed like a miracle (still does) that I'd ever managed to reject the church and walk away. To think that other of my friends and family could do the same...??

Of course since then I've learned that a few old friends are going through the same thing as me.

And, the longer I'm out, the more I find myself continually thinking that surely, SURELY, they're all gonna figure it out eventually!!...and leave, just like I did.

It's like I know it's not true that such a mass exodus will take place - I know plenty (the majority) will stick with it for life - I just can't comprehend it.

Does anyone else feel this way when they're around mormons, this feeling of surreality that such a belief system can be maintained?

Semantics

Before I graduated from BYU, I worked for a summer with a born-again Christian girl. I was astounded to learn that she prayed and received answers to her prayers. Me too! [Please remember, I was a sheltered little BYU student at the time. Even though up to that point I'd had several non-Mormon friends, few of them had been very religious.]

When we had discussions about spiritual things, I was continually impressed by her genuine belief and seeming closeness to god. I came away from that summer with just a little less ethnocentricity. So did she. By the time we parted, we both believed that the other would probably be going to "heaven." But I was still confused at how she could accept the Bible and deny that baptism was necessary for salvation or justify premarital sex.

7.5 years and an apostasy later, I am still intrigued by modern christianity (not as a potential believer, of course, but as an observer). So, I took advantage of my recent vacation to ask my good friend and traveling companion (also a very faithful christian) what she thought about baptism and premarital sex.

And as she began to talk about her beliefs and her religious experience it just sounded SO. INCREDIBLY. FAMILIAR.

In her words I could hear myself. My old self. Explaining and rationalizing the evolution of my religion. Her justification was grace. My justification had been the omniscience of god (+ modern-day revelation).

But all I could think, over and over, was...it's all the same, the same, the SAME!!! The words are different, but the same thing is taking place. The world changes, and our cultures adapt, and we use different reasoning to explain the adaptations, failing to see what's really going on. How did I not recognize this before????

For example. My friend chooses abstinence before marriage, but seemed to suggest that while that is the ideal, it's perhaps not realistic or necessary for everyone (saved by grace). At first glance this (optional abstinence) sounds like a much more flexible approach than in mormonism. Yet - just because the LDS church has a highly structured disciplinary process doesn't mean that premarital sexuality isn't becoming more and more common/acceptable (in deed, if not in word).

My friend also chose to be baptized, but similarly does not consider this ultimately necessary for believers. Even though the "textbook" says LDS baptism is necessary for salvation, I know plenty of mormons who believe that things will be "worked out" for really good people (including those who refuse baptism in this life).

Anyway, I know I'm just using a couple examples here, but it reminds me of Urban Koda's discussion of the "difference" between tithing in the LDS church and indulgences.

Semantics.

Catching Up

I just got back from Taiwan last night. I've been out of the country for two weeks but it feels more like I've been on another planet for two years and I can't quite remember how life was when I left. You know that surreal sense of reality you have when you leave the movie theatre after an engrossing film? It kinda feels like that. An existential mini-crisis. :)

During the trip, I asked my good [very active Christian] friend several questions about her beliefs and her religious experience. It was fascinating. I had a few thoughts.

1. In religion, semantics is such a BIG DEAL. But so often it's just words that divide us, WORDS!!! I'll be thinking/writing more about that one...

2. Religious/philosophical/social evolution is real. We adapt our belief systems to our environments. Well, duh.

3. We humans are continually finding/creating stories to convince us of our own perceived reality. Frequently mixing up our causes and effects?