So...here's about how the conversation went down (multiply by 3 hours):
M: Can you please explain what happened to make you leave the church?
S: Blah blah blah...[Mix 1 cup cognitive dissonance and 1 cup unhappiness, add 1 cup successful psychotherapy and 1 teaspoon church history]...blah blah blah.
M: But I know the church is true.
S: But I know it's not. Plus I'd rather go to hell than believe in a god who appointed Joseph Smith and Brigham Young (et al) as prophets. They were bad men.
M: But I don't care about them.
S: But I wish you would.
M: I think your choices are hurtful and self-destructive and I will feel responsible for your salvation for the rest of my life.
S: I understand that you think so, but I disagree, and just fyi the more I am treated like my choices are self-destructive, the less I will want to be around you.
M: But I love you.
S: I love you too.
*SIGH*
What was accomplished by the conversation? I guess at least she understands more of how I came to leave the church, which helps her to attach a reason and make sense of it. But personally, I just feel more frustrated.
It seems to me that the only way to still be able to spend time together and feel good about it is for both of us to keep our opinions to ourselves (which is pretty much what we've been doing for the past year and a half). I asked her to try to treat me and my boyfriend like she would treat neighbors who have their own set of strong beliefs. She doesn't think that's possible.
Damn those who would (and do) make parents feel eternally responsible for their "wayward" children! I just can't see how that helps the relationship AT ALL.
6 comments:
Sarah- This part "I think your choices are hurtful and self-destructive and I will feel responsible for your salvation for the rest of my life.
" made me think of the codependency encouraged by the church. I know it's hard, but the fact is, it isn't healthy for our mom's to feel "responsible" for our "damnation." It is reprehensible that the church encourages such behavior.
I agree! My mom actually referenced a conference talk in which a general authority said something to the effect of, "If you see your child sitting on railroad tracks with a train coming on, would you just leave them there?" In other words, what kind of parent would just stand by and let their child commit spiritual suicide... Talk about guilt trip!
With exhortations like that, she can't just leave me on "the railroad tracks" and feel like a good mother.
As a side note, I find the analogy of my life to a trainwreck pretty judgmental and, just plain wrong.
I just had the same conversation with my husband, minus the I Love You part.
My plan for dealing with parental concern is to bring up the convenient doctrine that the faith of the righteous will somehow save their children. The whole "it is guaranteed that they will be yours forever" thing.
This doctrine is, of course, completely inconsistent with Mormon doctrine in general, but hopefully it will end up bringing peace to both me and my parents.
...Just my two bits.
Dave - a good idea! :)
I just happened to stumble across your blog and this post sounds so much like the conversations both my husband and I have with my parents. He tends to just brush the conversations off very easily, but I am really close to my parents and this type of thing still breaks my heart. I hate that they torture themselves over my leaving and I hate that I feel my need to be out to be true to myself hurts them.
Blah.
Basically I'm just saying I really identify with this post.
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