Yesterday my therapist was trying to make the point that it is acceptable to "not like" some people. While it is true that there are some people I do not like, I struggle feeling okay about that. So I kind of tend to be in denial.
She brought up food. "Think of a food you don't like," she suggested. My mind went blank. Suddenly I had an aha! moment and giggled. I explained that it was probably difficult to think of anything off the top of my head, because several years ago I'd decided that I should be able to like all foods if I tried hard enough.
That approach has been useful to me. I've discovered that I enjoy a much greater variety than I'd originally thought. But at the end of the day I must admit...I still don't like everything. I don't like oyster omelettes, or pigs blood rice, or animal skin/fat/gristle. Blech.
And furthermore...as yucky as it feels...I don't like some people. Particularly those that (in the words of my therapist) "sh*t on me for the third or fourth time."
While I value and will try my best to utilize an accepting approach - I'd like to try to like all people (and foods!) - I also have to be fair to myself. Part of what makes me me is my own set of preferences and expectations.
This kind of reminds me of our conversation about allowing for cultural relativism while maintaining some ethical standards. I can treat others with empathy and respect, but I should not confuse those feelings with unconditional love, and I should also seek to be honest (with myself) about my aversions.
Can anyone else relate to this?
3 comments:
Your discussion about "hiding" things you don't like is not necessarily something that mormonism teaches per say, but it is a HUGE part of Utah culture. I grew up in the church, but I didn't live in Utah. However, when I moved to Utah, I felt like I met a lot of people were very (for lack of a better word) "fake."
Maybe it's because there are a larger concentration of Mormons in Utah that people feel they need to project a happy demeanor all the time to, in a way, prove to themselves and others that they are a part of Zion.
I had a roommate at BYU who lived her whole life in Utah. She is still a friend of mine. We however had very different ways of dealing with our emotions. Sometimes, I could tell that something someone did or said upset her, but when I'd ask her about it, she would plaster this huge smile on her face and say she wasn't bothered at all.
I had to start interpreting her very small body language cues. If I asked her about turning off the light in the room, or moving my stuff, or organizing the room, she was always very agreeable to whatever I said, even if I could tell that she didn't agree. It had to get to a point where I was like, "Oh come on [roomie's name], you really don't want me to do that! Just say it. I'm totally fine if your not cool with the idea of [insert random house/apartment issue here]." Then she would laugh and say, something to the effect of, "Well, I'm fine with it if that's what you want, but you're right, I'd rather not at the moment. But maybe next week/month/semester!"
I am not trying to make a blanket statement on Utah Mormons, but this is just my personal experiences with the people I met while I was there. I know not everyone's like this over there. :)
I can definitely say there are people I don't like but I guess in a way I'm bothered by that as well. I guess it's in part because I see our personality in a more fatalistic light than I used to. So much of what makes us 'us' is the conditions which were handed to us genetically and environmentally and so I try to understand that alot of what makes another person who they are is out of their control.
I guess instead of like and dislike I prefer to think of it as a matter of those who I would choose to associate with more and those who I would rather not associate with-at least as much.
Hypatia - Interesting story about your roommate! My guess is that the trait is a reflection of low self-worth and insecurity, which I think is quite prevalent among Mormon women (of which there is a high concentration in Utah :).
When I first began to act that way, I wonder if it was more political than religious. I had just moved from the west coast to the east coast. I think it was my way of establishing as many social connections as I could as soon as possible (interestingly enough, it worked).
However, as I got older (and moved to Utah) I think my desire to be "friends with everyone" became increasingly tied with and supported by my religious convictions (hence the guilt).
Gardner - your comment leaves me intrigued about what kind of people you would rather not associate with...as much. :)
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